SNOOKI BAYBAYYYY!

Move the beer over and make room in that stroller, yo!  That mini meatball is gonna need some leg room!

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi and Jionni LaValle became parents on Sunday when the poofy pickle popper gave birth to her much anticipated (not really) guido baby, Lorenzo Dominic LaValle.

She tweeted >

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He tweeted >

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Duuuh...Bro's a little slow lol.  Holla we want prenup!

Anywho, good luck, kid!  Hope you like animal print - she's gonna just fucking DRAPE you in that shit.

Image Via www.people.com

Here's a Couple of Staged Shots From Snooki's Baby Shower

With Snooki due in about a month, a baby shower was imminent - Selling it to a mag was prob just the icing on the famewhore cake...

InTouch is who bought the rights to her baby shower (thrown by her mama, Helen, on the 12th.)  The shower had a sports/leopard print theme because Snooki has like zero taste, a complete hard on for animal prints and because it's going to be a boy, Lorenzo.

Here's the pics >

It was at the Falkirk Estate and Country Club in Central Valley, New York and attended by 100 women including her female Jersey Shore costars.  It took the Chilean reality star nugget 4 hours to open all the gifts.

It's all in the newest edition of InTouch - the one where Teresa Guidice is "humiliated" on the cover of again lol >

Bleh...

Title Image Via www.thehollywoodgossip.com
Post Images Via www.intouchmagazine.com

It's Gonna Be a GUIDO for Snooki!

Oh thank fuck!  I cannot deal with another stupid woman running around acting a damn fool covered in leopard print and carrying a copy of Kim K's book!

Yes guys, this kid may just have a shot, yet!

MTV has just announced via the Meatball and Jionni LaValle that their upcoming little bugger will be a guido!

The two leading names are Lorenzo and Jionni Jr. - Creative!

Snooks had wanted a guidette to corrupt but alas it wasn't in the cards.  

The six month preggers Snooki is currently filming and living with JWoww and her ginormous boobies.

Do us all a favor and keep that kid away from his greasyass uncle possible father The Situation...that guy would teach him some duuumb shit.

Congrats!

Image Via www.urbanmag-online.com

Snooki is Not Staying in the Shore House and The Sitch is Having a Hard Time Post-Rehab - VIDEO

But she will be on the show!

That's right, that little nugget of disgustingness is staying elsewhere when season 6 starts filming.  Snooks and her possibly already tan fetus will take up residence in a private home nearby.  The future porn star said that she doesn't want to be around a bunch of loudass drunks during pregnancy...

She admitted she was 3 months knocked up in February so by my math (shout out Mr. Duncan!) she's due around August - filming for the show takes place in the summer so expect her to be poppin' right outta her skanky tops.

The next season also marks the first sober season for most-hated, mega douche on the show, The Situation. Here's a brand new video of him talking about rehab BTW > (Only available in the U.S.) Sorry Canucks for some reason MTV doesn't post videos for us aside from episodes of shows.

Enjoy this season ya trashbags and save up your benjamins, yo!  Cuz' I think this shit is pretty much over!  Actually, what am I talking about?  My ass knows it's over. ;)

Image Via www.blog.wholesalecostumespot.com

$25K for The Situation? Check out this List of Celebrity Appearance Prices

Ugh!  How much would I have to pay to never see The Situation on another TV again???  

Check this horseshit out!  Turns out these celeb bitches make MAD Benjamins for just standing around!  Keep in mind that in addition to the list, the agent who quoted the numbers said that any celeb buyer should keep in mind that they'll most likely have to pay for what he called the Simple Four.  That includes the flight, ground transportation, hotel and food.  Oh and some won't fly commercial (whatever the fuck that means) so you'd have to shell out for a private jet...the greed is palpable...

BTW Most appearances are based on an approx. 2 hour appearance and/or gig.

In the music world you can score talented transvestite Lady Gaga for $2 million, Metallica for a cool $1.5 million, Pitbull for $300K and Ne-Yo for $200K.

You and your bonehead buddies can mentally jerk off to some random Playboy models who run about $1K - $1.5K or get Teresa Giudice to flip a table for $15K.  The Jersey Shore cast can buy all the booze and pickles they want with their appearance earnings - Deena Nicole nabs $8K for merping on everyone, Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino gets paid $25K to show off his rehabbed abs and though I'm not totally sure about Snook's, I know she got about $32K for speaking at prestigious Rutgers University...cha-ching!  Hell, even The Unit makes $5K!  The most famous Armenian porn star in the world, Kim Kardashian, is the one on top in the reality category though > Ho makes $125K an appearance!!!  Someone get me my video camera and a youtube account!

Sports stars also command some serious money for making an appearance.  To see Tim Tebow tebowing in person it will cost you $50K - $65K, Michael Jordan is the highest at approx $2 million and former Celtic Larry Bird asks for $75K.

AND the Warlock Vatican Assassin himself, Charlie Sheen, will bomb you with his torpedo of truth for $250K (and possibly throw up in your shitter) but he's one of the ones who requires a private jet so he can bang his goddesses the whole way the initial cost is negligible.

There you have it.  Looks like stars make some sa-weet bank from just showin' up places.  Gah!

In my estimation, anyone who gets off on hiring a celeb just so they can parade them around in front of a bunch of local gawkers like an inbred show dog needs to find some better shit to spend their money on.

Image Via www.roccosrevolution.com

MTV may Phase out Snooki and the Situation for New Blood

Oh thank you baby Jebus!!!

I don't mind Snooki so much but I HATE the Situation!  Get his greasy, little girl ass outta there!

TMZ is reporting that MTV is looking to counteract it's "stars" public issues by phasing them out of the series next season...apparently, the Situation's pill poppin' and Snooki's upcoming bastard guidobaby are posing a problem for the show, making them look like enabling assholes who exploit their "talent".

Producers are looking for new talent to fold into the existing cast and will minimize any Snooki/Situation blow job fighting.  Yay!  I couldn't take one more minute of that BJ shit!

As we say up here in Canada - Give 'er!

Image Via www.film.com

Season 6 of Jersey Shore is Happening

Now, I like JS as much as the next guy but shit's getting kind of old...Am I right?

Anyways, MTV has confirmed that the entire cast will be returning next season for another whorefest at the shore house.  Shooting will begin this summer so watch for a fucking huge baby bump on NYT best selling author (yes really) Snooki's slutty halter top.

And that's the other thing!  Why the hell are they letting a knocked up chick into the shore whore house???  That's no place for a baby!  I wouldn't even let those assholes take care of my cat for the weekend.

MTV promises the "trademark hilarity and family dysfunction will remain the same."

Which basically means we get to watch the Bitchuation act like a whiny little girl for about a dozen eps.

MERP!

Image Via www.wegotthiscovered.com

NY Post Says Snooki is Knocked Up

Oh shiz!  Snooki is going to procreate!  Best mother ever!  *Rolling eyes right outta my head*

About an hour ago, the NY Post reported that Snooki "lied" in previous interviews when she said she wasn't knocked up and IS indeed carrying a future Ed Hardy wearing guido (or guidette - god help us all) in her pickle-filled belly...

This...concerns me.

They report that she's about 3 months along and that the baby daddy is Jionni LaValle NOT the questionably homosexual Situation.  Apparently MTV is freakin' out because they like their Snooki drinking!  Or drunk!  Or pissin' herself on a dance floor!  Mothers can't do that shit - People will crucify her!  A source also told the Post that she has already brokered a deal with UsWeekly to announce the pregnancy - hence the reason she's keeping her chunky monkey booze hole shut.

They said she wants to be the next Kourtney Kardashian.  Who says that?  Assholes say that.

As of right now, I'm totally buying this story.  I can tell she's just itching to trap Jionni with a little bastard kid and I'm pretty sure she has nooo idea what it's like to have a baby.  For realz!

Jionni needs to keep 911 on speed dial for when she tries to hot tub and "get her club on" with Snooki Junior.

Meatball problems indeed!

Image Via www.mcgreg28.hubpages.com

New Jersey Wine Shop Bans Snooki for Being Snooki

Free Snooki!!!

In what I perceive to be a pretty shitty financial move by a local establishment in Jersey City (located next to Jwoww and Snooki's upcoming den of iniquities no less) they have posted a sign banning Snooki from their spirits shop!

Appalling!  Does this guy not know how much Snook's drinks?  She'll put his fucking kids through college, man!  Personally, if I were gonna ban anyone from my store it'd be that mouthpiece the Situation and his stupid friend the Unit...

The shore whore hatin' shop owner went on to say, "Even if Jwoww shows up at our front door she will not be let in."

Whoa, now!  The hell did Jwoww do?  She never gets arrested or pisses herself while doing the Jersey Turnpike!  Guilty by association...tsk, tsk...association to Snooki...

Guess their bitches will have to drive them up the street to get some RonRon Juice...

Jionni help save us alllll!!!

Image Via www.tmz.com

Snooki and Jwoww (And Everyone Else) Thinks The Situation Is Gay

Not that there's anything wrong with that...

Here's how it shook down -

Snooki and Jwoww have been press junketing it up all over the damn place promoting their upcoming spin off in Jersey City and during an interview with The Huffington Post Gay Voices this happened:

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After that awesomeness happened, The Situation freaked out, called them up furious and issued an I'm not gay themed press release through his publicist.

I have to say, gay or not - he certainly acts like a chick.  All mopey...looking for attention all the time...comparing units with The Unit.  Come on, no straight dude rocks a vest like that and wears that much Axe Body spray...

I don't care how "metro" and shiny his guido ass is. 

Image Via  www.suntimes.com

Jwoww and Snooki's Spin Off Lands in Jersey City - With a Few Rules ...

Remember a while back when the mayor of Hoboken pretty much took all Snooki's pickles away and threw them at her and Jwoww screaming NOT IN MY CITY, BITCHES! told MTV to go screw themselves when they needed a place to film Jwoww and Snooki's new show?

Well, no worries!  TMZ is reporting that Jersey City has agreed to sign a filming permit for the show however, they want cops on the two drunky drunks 24-7!

They want four coppers stationed at their home at ALL times, cops will stay with them whenever they leave the house and if MORE cops are needed to trail the two - MTV has to pony up the extra costs to the city.

Sounds pretty lame ass to me!  They're not public enemy number one or anything for fuck's sakes!

And not for nothing, but since Other Snooki joined the show, I feel like Snooks has gotten all sorts of SLOPPY!  Sure, she was always a hot damn mess, but she's pissin' herself now and shit...come on, now!

Production starts later this month.  Good luck ladies!  (And Jersey City!)

Image Via www.mikedoe.net

Hoboken Bans Snooki and JWoww - Says They Are Bad For "Quality of Life"

Fucking Hoboken!  Why they gotta get all up in Snooki's grill, yo?

Nah, just kidding.  But check out the letter that the mayor of the illustrious waterfront city sent to the production company behind The Jersey Shore...it's not too nice.  For real!  Saying someone is bad for the quality of life of a whole city is whack!  They pretty much pissed in their faces...with pee that's been aged for a decade...in a herpes infested vagina...yeah, I went there.

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Aw!  I dig JWoww!  Where's the love???

Title Image Via www.hotonlinenews.com
Post Image Via www.gawker.com

The Jersey Shore Whores Minus Their Make-Up - PICS

Ah!  The Jersey Shore!  Home of boardwalks, bitches and boozing - more infamously the summer home of Snooki and her DTF crew.  Check out these pics of the most famous guidettes in the world sans that godawful drag queen make-up they slather their mugs with.

Peep this >

First up, we have JWoww and her huge breasts (not pictured.)  Miss Farley has my fave personality however is surprisingly not the hottest without her make-up.  She's rockin' a bit of a Joker-look...not so sure what that's all about...  Scoreboard Sezzz - 6/10!

Now we have Other Snooki aka Deena Cortese.  This disgusting half of that disgusting Team Meatball (seriously ladies, I'll admit it's pretty funny but makes chicks look just sooo bad!) is all about altering her looks with shit.  Extensions, contacts, eyelashes - homegirl is all sorts of fake when she's dancing her panties off.  She looks A LOT better without make-up - Scoreboard Sezzz - 8/10!

Ah!  The boring one...I don't even think that I've heard her speak this season when she wasn't in interview.  Don't matter - she never really said anything too interesting when she did speak.  Remember this shit?  >  RAHNNN!  YER TORTURIN' MAAEEE!  RAHN - STOPPP, RAHN!  Ugh!  That's enough outta you, Sammi!  Anyways, chick looks way better without make-up - holy freakin' supermodel!  Damn!  Scoreboard Sezzz - 10/10   

And finally, Snooki without her face on is cuuutteee!  I don't know who the asshat is who told her she looks better with all that crap on her face is but they are a blind ass idiot!  Snooks should rock this look way more often...She's all, No big deal, just puckering up looking like Nicole Scherzinger up in this bitch.  WERK!  Scoreboard Sezzz > 10/10  

Title Image Via www.newyorkmag.com
Post Images Via www.toofab.com

Jersey Shore S5 Update - Vinny Leaves and We Meet "The Unit"

It's Jerzday, bitches!!!

In honor of the new season starting, let's take a look at some of the more interesting gossip that's surfaced about the new season airing tonight at 10pm EST.

First off, Snooki is no longer a meatball.  Oh yes, she's totally skinny now and doesn't look like she ate JWoww anymore.  She credits it to working out but the 'bloids have posted a few diet pill stories in the past that sound way more plausible than her hittin' the gym.  She looks good though - Other Snooki (Deena) is sadly still a pig though.  Avert your eyes...she's...horrible!

Some douchebag who calls himself The Unit will be introduced as a "character" (I doubt a main one though) this season.  (Editor's Note: LOL - "Unit" - so stupid.)  He's the Situation's brah so I'm thinking this is obvi a side dish to the Snooki-sucked-theSituation's-dick storyline which is such a dumbass storyline!  Who the fuck cares if she sucked him off???  That's what Snooki does!  Loses and gains weight randomly and sucks guys off.  Fuck!  Is the Situation new?

Movin' on...

Now this one is the interesting one IMO.  According to Snooki (when she was last on The Tonight Show) Vinny Guadagnino leaves at some point in season 5.  Snooks says, "...the hustle and bustle of fast-paced reality TV life catches up to him."

What does that mean???  I watch this shit ALL the time and no one seems to be movin' too fast.  I'm surprised they can walk half the time! 

Vinny (when he was on Kimmel) said, "It got real for me for a little bit and I had to take care of myself...But you'll see -- a good thing ends up coming out of it." 

Stay strong, Vinny!  You and JWoww seem to be the only two with more than half a brain.  Other than that...

Bring on the motherfucking UNIT!

(PS - I live tweet the show EST every week unless I'm hungover to shit.  Check me out at @bungledbotched.) 

Image Via www.tvguide.com

Snooki-Licious! Check Out Former Meatball/Current Hottie Snooki!

Well day-um girlfriend! 

I don't know what to make of this though...I'm so used to seeing sloppy, chunky monkey meatball Snooki NOT done up, notahotmess Snooki!  But there she is, at the 2011 MTV Europe Awards in Ireland, looking extra smushable.

Go on, ya pickle-loving drunkass!  I ain't hatin'!

PS - Love.  The.  Shoes.

Image Via www.perezhilton.com

Is Jersey Shore Fake??? VIDEO

Now I could really give a crap if the show is real or fake but if you do you should check the following video out.  Some guy with way too much time on his hands dissected the shit out of one of the scenes from last season in Italy and exposes some supposed "goofs".

Here's a bullet point list from Starcasm.net in case you're a little slow or something. 
   
♦ Deena is looking right at a lady who’s face is not blurred out when the ice is thrown.
♦ The bottles on the bar are all cheap mixers that wouldn’t cost that much to be damaged.
♦ The bar is empty in what’s supposed to be a packed club.
♦ A lady leans in and appears to give Snooki bottle breaking directions.
♦ When the camera pans to who threw the ice you see a hand retract. Said arm belongs to a woman who’s face is not blurred like the other bar patrons (you do not need permission to show a face of a show’s employee). This woman is wearing an ear piece connected to a walkie talkie in hand.



Image Via www.studybreaks.com 

Jersey Shore Season 5 Sneak Peek - VIDEO

Seems like season 4 just ended doesn't it?

Well, MTV's cash cow Jersey Shore is back hittin' Karma on January 5 (and these assholes know a cash cow when they have one so they are gonna milk those Snooki udders until they're dry!)

MILK THAT BITCH!

Looks pretty rad.  Check out a sneak peek below:



Image Via www.trendrabbit.com

Happy Halloween! Check Out What Some Celebs and Reality Stars Wore ...

Happy Halloween!

Here's a few of the celebrity costumes that hit the town last weekend while I was at a party, not dressed up and pouring a drink in my lap (freakin' Vodka! Sorry Julie!)

Image Via www.toofab.com

Former Real Housewife of New York Alex McCord with Simon VanKempen dressed as monsters with "chums" Johan and Francois.

Image Via www.toofab.com

Beverly Hills Housewife and Frasier-hater Camille Grammer dressed as a pirate and spent the night with her kids Mason and Jude. 

Image Via www.dlisted.com

 Coco (T?) dressed as a...whore? Skank? I have no idea what this is but her ass is HUGE!

Image Via www.toofab.com

Gwen Stefani took a break from being super fucking awesome and urban to dip her toe in the Disney pond and went as a princess.

Image Via www.dlisted.com

Heidi Klum went all out as usual!  She was at her own party dressed as a body (complete with intricate vein-work.)  It's always nice to see a hot chick NOT dressed up as a complete slore for Halloween.  Take note ladies - Halloween is supposed to be scary...And sexy nurses and half-nekkid kittens are NOT scary!

Image Via www.tmz.com

Oh snap!  Check out Arnold Jr. here!  Granted he's not a celeb, but Arnold's love-child with grandma Mildred Baena there sure is looking like the celeb who fathered him.  Barbarianism must run in the family...

Image Via www.toofab.com

 JWoww and Roger looked pretty dope as gangstas at a weekend party, but judging by the people in the background, EVERYONE went as gangstas!  Cool points 10 Originality Points 0.

Image Via www.dlisted.com

Ahhh!  Kim K!  I could rip on this vapid porn-tape star for days!  I love to make fun of Kim!  She went as Poison Ivy (not the horny Drew Barrymore character but the one from Batman.)  I just want to throw this out there - Dear Kim, if you can name ONE other character from the Batman comics (not in one of the movies) I will never make fun of you again. Oh and PS - way to have a wedding and a divorce in less than three months, dumbass.  Really shows people you believe in the sanctity of marriage. 

Image Via www.toofab.com

Kim Zolciak of Atlanta Housewives is looking good after poppin' out that kid, yo!  I'm not too sure what this costume is but I see the Svedka logo and vodka is my fave so 10 out of 10!  Everybody DRINK!

Image Via www.toofab.com

Another Bev Hills Housewife stepped out in costume this weekend - Kyle Richards Umansky and Mauricio Umansky hit the town as a pair of sexy cops.  I'm sorry Kyle but Mauricio is mah boo!  Call me you sexy studmuffin you!  I'm on twitter!

Image Via www.rickey.org

Whoopsy!  How did this get in here?  This is pretty scary shit but it isn't Halloween for Linds.  Nope, just a Tuesday or something - lookin' a hot mess, waving her dirty hand around...  WASH YOUR HANDS, LINDSAY!

Image Via www.toofab.com

Nicole Richie posted this pic to her twitter (which is actually fairly funny and entertaining).  Old school J. Lo complete with annoyingly matched Juicy track suit.

Image Via www.dlisted.com

Paris Hilton went out as She-Ra (who was the SHIT when I was a kid.)  She looked good but is still a has-been asshole.

Snooki!  RAWR!  Little meatball mofo!  Once I asked my man why guys want to bang sexy kitties so much?  He said, "They don't.  Chicks are stupid."  LOL - WORD!

Title Image Via www.pulpfactor.com

The Jersey Shore House is For Rent

Anyone wanna lend me $2500?  I'm good for it I swear!

No?  No one?  Bueller?

CHEAPSKATES!!!

Well, the $2500 you guys are all too cheap to lend me would've allowed me to rent the famed Jersey Shore beach house for one night of debauchery.  That's right folks, for that reasonable price you can party like a meatball...

Complete with DUCK PHONE!!!

QUAAAAACK!

(PS - Bring your own sheets.  Winky face.)

(PPS - Ewwwww.)

Image Via www.zillow.com

Snooki Gets Hammed at Reunion - Situation Still Says She Blew Him

This reunion is...going...to be...awesome!

According to Star Magazine, all sorts of crazy shit went down at the taping of The Jersey Shore reunion and it got uglier than a meatball named Deena!

The Situation is apparently still into telling the world that Snooki sucked his dick and when he brought it up at the reunion, she went drunk squirrel monkey on his shiny ass. 

Star reports, "They were just going off at each other. Snooki was beyond angry.  She was just out of control, denying it too much...It was only 11am and she was a mess. She was slurring her words and struggling to keep her head up straight. There was no doubt she was drunk."

They go on to say that, producers struggled to keep the guidos and guidettes under control when the entire cast turned against The Situation when he wouldn't keep Jionni's name out his mouth.

So...let's get this shit on the air!  Seriously, this reunion is marked in my phone under the alarm name Kickass O'clock!

I wish it was t-shirt time right now!

Image Via www.thecampussocialite.com