TomKat Settled their Divorce and is Playing Nice Now

But all those media jerks said this shit was going to court!

LIARS!!!

I bet it was gonna be a hot mess of Scientology and Dawson's Creek secrets too!  FUCK!  

When Joey Potter pulled the great escape and cruised away one day with Suri when Tom was out of town making Cock Rock of Ages, I bet she didn't think it'd be this easy...But while she was picturing dudes in bubble wrap following her around Hollywood in SUVs and shit all Tom was apparently doing was getting stellar negotiations ready.    

Earlier today, TMZ (who are not liars - Harvey's no joke) reported that TomKat have come to a settlement agreement in regards to their divorce.  Apparently, the main sticking issue had been Tommy Boy's access to she who is named Princess Xenu Suri.

Both lawyers seemed pleased in statements.

She was too tall for his ass anyway!

Still no sign of Pacey... :(

Image Via www.askamydaily.com

TomKat Splits!

APOCALYPSE!  APOCALYPSE!!!

This morning Posh Spice wannabe, Katie Holmes, filed for divorce from Tom Cruise.  It was almost as sad as when Tom Cruise filed for divorce from Nicole Kidman...(minus five years and with one less kid)...so not quite.

Princess Xenu Suri had no comment - mainly because the only word she can say is scientology MINE.

Joey Potter filed the papers after five years of matrimony citing irreconcilable differences and went after primary custody of she who is named Suri.  Apparently, Tom was blindsided by the filing and all sorts of shocked - his rep said, "Kate has filed for divorce and Tom is deeply saddened and is concentrating on his three children.  Please allow them their privacy to work this out."

TMZ reports their was some "nastiness" involved (yikes!) and that his hard on for scientology was a HUMONGOID factor.

Duh...

Marry Pacey, yo!!!!  I LOVE Pacey!

Image Via www.posh24.com

Wanna Buy Some Dirty Ass Swimming Pool Water Tom Cruise Swam In?

People are so stupid.

Case in point, check out this mouth breather trying to sell some skank ass swimming pool water that was supposedly from a pool that Tom Cruise swam in with Princess Xenu aka Suri.

The EBay ad says, "For sale is a 4oz. glass bottle containing water taken from a pool in Miami Beach, Florida in which Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes swam in with daughter Suri on July 16, 2011. There is a very limited supply of this special water. The winning bidder will receive a 5x7 print of Tom swimming in the pool with Katie Holmes by his side as a certificate of authenticity. The bottle is hand painted and shows a cross to mimic the effect of a bottle of Holy Water. But this cross also bears four gold rays coming from behind, which can also be considered the symbol of Scientology.  Tom Cruise water can be used in rituals, potions (Editor's note: potions?  Who the fuck makes potions?), or perfumes. It can be dabbed behind the ears or on the wrists for good luck. You can place some of it around the hearth of your  home or baptize your baby with it. The possibilities are endless. Happy bidding!"

HAHAHAHAHA!  The possibilities are endless?  What an asshole!  And why would you use it to baptize your baby???  The fuck is that?  It's SWIMMING POOL WATER, dumbass!  Drawing a cross on the bottle doesn't exactly cut it in the thatmakesitholywater department...read a book, dude.  And what's with the 5x7 pic being a certificate of authenticity?  That's not a certificate of authenticity...This guy is all sorts of confused.  May be time to step away from the computer, man...

The starting bid the idiot wants is $100 US and surprise, surprise...there are no bids as of yet.

Stop the world, yo!  I think I wanna get off!      

Image Via www.ebay.com

Manolo Blahnik Bitchslaps Suri Cruise ... With His Words

Girl fight!  Meowr!

Manolo Blahnik, one of the people responsible for making women into braindead shoe mongering footwear whores, is calling out Suri, yo!  About her shoes!  The hell is that about?

When the shoe God was told that Suri has been wearing heels since she could walk his initial response to New York Magazine was, "I don't know that lady."  The reporter told him that she is the daughter of Tom and Katie and he said, "They have a daughter?"

Holy keep up, geezer!  Shit, bitch!  It's Princess Xenu!!!  Recognize! 

"That girl is destined to be a victim of a high heel!" Manolo Blahnik exclaimed shocked.

Ha!  What does he know?  Princess Xenu is not susceptible to your human affflictions!!!

Bitch! 

Image Via www.usmagazine.com 

Woman Says She Was Held Captive For 12 Years on Scientology Cruise Ship

What? 

I don't mean to sound like an insensitive dickhead here, but there could be worse places to be held captive than a cruise ship!  Scientologists are a little creepy though so...I get it.  Probably made her watch a shitload of Tom Cruise movies or something...

The story goes that Valeska Paris (a Swiss woman) is claiming she was held captive for 12 years on the Church of Scientology's cruise ship - Freewinds.  She says Scientology leader David Miscavige sent her to live on the ship when she was 18, never allowing her to leave without supervision and/or without "...having her engage in hard labor."

Seriously...what?  Joey Potter is OKAY with this shit!?!  I don't remember any Scientologists on the creek!!!  Mitch Leery would've prob kicked their asses!  Aw...RIP Mitch Leery!  

Paris says that, "I was basically hauled in and told that my mum had attacked the church and that I needed to disconnect from her because she was suppressive.  She added that her mother left the church after her husband killed himself after a Scientology deal duped him out of millions of dollars."

ACK!

Paris says, "I did not want to be there, I made it clear I did not want to be there and that was considered bad ethics, meaning it was considered not right.  They take your passport when you go on the ship and you're in the middle of an island. So it's a bit hard [to escape] and by that time I was 18, I'd been in Scientology my whole life, it's not like I knew how to escape."

Shady, shady!  Someone should call John Travolta's bald ass up!

Paris finally left the cruise ship in 2007 (thank fuck for that!  Ugh - too many buffets can drive ANYONE nutso!) and left the Church of Scientology altogether in 2010.

Stay strong Boo!  And stay the hell away from religions who have science-fiction writers as their Gods. 

Image Via www.radaronline.com

Suri Cruise is Writing a Book

The fuck?

Little Suri Cruise, the first born daughter of Xenu, is a mere 5-years-old in human years but that isn't stopping the wee one from becoming the next Robert Munsch!

Random rag mag InTouch ran the "story":

"Suri Cruise, author? According to a family friend, the 5-year-old is currently penning her own children's book! And her parents, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, think it's so good, they plan to publish it when she's finished. "Suri is smart beyond her years," the family friend tells In Touch. "Not only is she writing the book, she's also working on all the illustrations. She is actually very talented for someone so young."

What?  Who is this family friend???  I don't think she's spricken da engrish!  "Not only is she writing the book, she's also working on all the illustrations"?  Gimme a break!  I will give Suri a million GD dollars if she can read one page of her mother's L.Ron Hubbard Handbook!  I swear to fucking god I will! 

The article continues, "And her parents couldn't be more proud. "Tom and Katie are careful not to push her too hard, but of course they think she is a little genius," adds the friend. Although Suri hasn't come up with a title just yet, the insider reveals the story is about the adventures of a little girl who lives in a big house in Beverly Hills. Sounds like more of an autobiography to us, Suri!"

Does she even know where her nose is yet?  Granted, I'm no kiddie expert - ugh!  Vile little buggers - but I did used to babysit for booze money when I was a kid and all the 5-year-old brat I babysat wanted to do was watch Spice World over and over again and eat chicken nuggets...Suri is no joke though, so maybe that's just how she rolls.

But hey, maybe I'm wrong here...I also think it's effed up to have a science fiction writer as a God so...it appears the Cruise's and I just ain't on the same page so to speak. 

Image Via www.socialitelife.com

Don't Eff With Fashionista Suri Cruise

...Because bitch is badass when it comes to fashion!

According to Star Magazine and Hollywood Life, little princess Xenu Suri has quite the extensive wardrobe in her toddler closet...

Allegedly, 5-year-old Suri has a shoe collection worth $150,000, a wardrobe worth $3 million and is a massive fan of Marc Jacobs.  She’s even had several shoes custom made - Ie. if they don't come with a heel, Joey Potter tells the designer to put a motherfucking heel on 'em and has them redesigned for Suri faster than you can say Tom Cruise is gay.

She even commissioned a custom pair of Louboutins for Suri a while back...JOEY!  Dawson should take her ass back to the creek, throw some American Eagle on her bony ass and drill things like Tom Cruise is NOT God into her head...Fashion should not be a priority for a 5-year-old!   

And why the hell does a 5-year-old know who Marc Jacobs is???  Shouldn't she be wearing OshKosh B'gosh or something?  Shit!  I used to buy Hanes shirts and puffy paint 'em up like some damn fool!  Suri probably would've slapped me across the face on the playground!

A child psychologist, Dr. Lawrence Balter, is throwing his two cents in saying kids need restrictions when it comes to things like clothes and shoes - even if they are celebrity kids.  He also said, "It sounds like she is a miniature Imelda Marcos."

Damn man, I'm half Filipino and I gotta say that bitch Imelda really hurt us!  It was sooo long ago and anytime anyone has a shitload of shoes - good old Imelda comes up!  I wish we were known for something else!

Anyways, Katie Holmes buys Suri A LOT of expensive crap...thatisall.

Image Via www.girlstalkinsmack.com

Star Mag Apologizes to Katie Holmes for Implying She's a Stoner

Last month, we reported the story that Joey Potter was super PO'd at Star Magazine for running "Katie Holmes DRUG SHOCKER" on their cover with an accompanying article that she was an L. Ron Hubbard zombie.  Well, after suing the jerkoffs for $50 million smackers so that Suri can buy some new pink Louboutins, they have apologized to the Kennedy's Star.

Says Star, "In a recent issue of Star, we published headlines about Katie Holmes that could be read to suggest that she was addicted to drugs. Star did not intend to suggest that Ms. Holmes was a drug addict or was undergoing treatment for a drug addiction. Star apologizes to Ms. Holmes for any misperception and will be making a substantial donation to charity on Ms. Holmes' behalf for any harm that we may have caused."

What a bunch of assholes!  They "did not intend to suggest that Ms. Holmes was a drug addict"?  Well, WTF did they think people were going to conclude from the headline?  That she was taking too many damn Tylenols???  Gimme a break.

They are going to donate "a substantial amount of money to a charity on Ms. Holmes behalf" to shut her up and beat down the bad press like an MTV Teen Mom beats down her baby daddy!  Good luck with all that - America loves Joey Potter!

And what's with calling her Ms. Holmes?  Bitch married Tom Cruise, man!  That's MRS Katie Holmes to you!  Recognize!    

Image Via www.muveez.com

Suri Cruise Had a Birthday!

Suri turned 5 motherfuckers!  And she did it in mad style in Bev Hills!  That's what's up!

She celebrated at a fairly low-key tea party with family and friends and apparently made a pinata with Joey Potter.  Sweet!  Her less famous siblings were even there - blending into the background so as not to take ANY attention away from the princess or they would be put in those gnarly Scientology Rehabilitation Project Force programs for eternity!!!  Mwahaha!

Just kidding...Happy Birthday Xenu's spawn Suri!  Your mom ruled on Dawson's Creek!

Image Via www.usmagazine.com
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Katie Holmes Gets a Sewing Machine For Her Birthday From Tom Cruise

Whaaa?  Yeah, I got a sewing machine for my birthday once too, Boo!  When I was fucking 12 years-old!

Isn't Tom Cruise like, one of the richest dudes in Hollywood???  That sewing machine better be gold-plated and/or made out of unicorn horns or something! 

I kid...I kid.  It's not so much the cost of the gift it's more that it's soooo 50s!  And not in a good, la-la-la, I'm a housewife who loves doting on my family sort of way but more in a sit there and make me some curtains bitch! sort of way. 

Granted the robot formerly known as Katie Holmes grew up a la little house on the prairie so she's probably into this type of crap in one form or another but yeesh, maybe just get her something like that as a nondescript present on any old day...she's reasonably young, yo!  She probably would've preferred a nice, new car or some sick earrings or something.  But hey, other than hopping up and down like a damn fool on Oprah's couch a few years back no one ever accused the guy of being romantic.

I suppose anything is better then some L. Ron Hubbard shit!

Happy birthday anyways Joey Potter and good luck making your Scientology themed tablecloths.  Actually, while you're at it you should whip up a couture gown for Princess Suri so she can have something nice to wear to therapy later on.

Image Via www.zimbio.com

Suri Cruise Still Uses a Binky - The Internet Goes Nutso

I would never rag on a little kid on here so I'm by no means jumping on the Suri still uses a pacifier train, but WTF is with everyone else taking a ride on that train?!?  Shit, where's that "Leeeaaaaavvvveeee Britney alooooone" YouTube guy when you need him?

Yeah, we know you're not supposed to use a paci after a certain age because it fucks up your teeth but just because Suri still uses one let's not chastise the little princess...or Joey Potter...or Tom Cruise.

Actually, especially Tom Cruise because that dude freaks me out!  He's got some sort of scientology powers or something that he can use to make people work for less than minimum wage for years and shit like that! 

According to Perez, an insider says:

"Suri just isn't told 'no' very often. Scientology encourages you to make your own decisions and learn lessons as you live your life. She'll know herself when it's time to throw the pacifier away, plain and simple."

Hear that you negative jerks!  It's a religion thing, plain and simple...leave it alone.

Image Via www.portfo.li

Katie Holmes Suing Star Magazine for $50 Million

Joey Potter is giving a legal middle finger to Star Magazine for the story they ran sporting the headline, "Addiction Nightmare—Katie Drug Shocker—The Real Reason She Can't Leave Tom".

Suri's mom is pissed and, in my opinion, rightfully so!  Stupid Star Magazine!  I stopped reading their site after all the crazy Brangelina break-up lying they were doing a while back.  It's one thing to go all editorial on someone's spoiled celeb ass but it's quite another to just straight up lie.

Inside the mag, it get's worse.  They don't even print a drug story inside...no, these idiots printed some nonsense about her allegedly using an e-meter.

That know-it-all-bitch Wikipedia says an e-meter is basically some whack scientology thingy majingy "they use to measure the state of electrical characteristics of the 'static field' surrounding the body. The meter is believed to reflect or indicate whether or not a person has been relieved from spiritual impediment of past experiences."

Ugh whatevs.

Anyway, Star mag likened the high you get from the machine to doing heroine which is where I guess they make the link between the addiction and drug shocker allegations.  Bit of a reach assholes.

The moral of the story is Star Magazine is a rag - don't read it.  Joey Potter is just fine and Suri Cruise will one day rule the world with her cuteness.

Image Via www.gossipcop.com