Brangelina is Engaged

Yes, it appears to be true!  The two most beautiful people on the planet are going to get married in the most beautiful wedding to ever grace the earth...

Whatever...I pretty much consider any couple who have more than five kids together "married."

Here's the stupid ring anyways...Gawk away!

Title Image Via www.backseatcuddler.com
Post Image Via www.usmagazine.com

Sean Young Should Win an Oscar for Most Pathetic Arrest

Oh snap!  Sean Young is effin' cray, yo!

Check out the stunt she pulled the other night at the Oscar party of Oscar parties, the Governor's Ball.

Here's the lowdown...

Sean Young (who was a pretty big deal back in the day - Blade Runner anybody?) got arrested for assaulting a security guard outside the Governor's Ball!  For those of you not in the know so to speak, the Gov's ball is a big effin' deal after the Oscars.  It's like a mixture of pretentious Wolfgang Puck cuisine, BOTH of Angelina's legs and usually Leo!  LEO!!!

Young was allegedly outside the swanky event she wasn't invited to taking pictures with A-listers on their way in - um, WTF, bitch?  I'd feel bad for her but I save all my pity for starving kitty cats, not washed up desperado celeb wannabes.

Apparently, Missus Crazypants nabbed some pretty sweet shots of herself posing with Saint Angelina of Pittopia and Sandra Bullock to name a few.  She promptly shared them to Facebook in a bold (yet super lame) power move and then the amateur paparazzi/former movie star was promptly placed under citizen's arrest by a member of Academy security.

Ha ha - Citizen's arrest?  People do that shit?  

Anyways, she had said she wasn't bothering anyone so they should just leave her the hell alone but when the guy grabbed her arm to place her under citizen's arrest (lol) she smacked him away...and ta-da!  That's assault, brutha!  She got released on $20K bail and insists that footage from X-17 will exonerate her.

Young continues to insist the Academy will issue her a public apology any day now...most likely the day that monkeys fly outta her butt.        

LOOK INTO YOUR FUTURE, LINDSAY!!!

(There.  That should scare the hell outta her.)

Image Via www.onlineathens.com

Angelina's Right Leg, J. Lo's Nipple and a Wrestler Playing Dress Up - It's The Oscars, Bitches!!!

Okay, so this is a few days late, but if y'all follow me on twitter (as you should) you would know that I got two new Sims games that have taken over my life...seriously, haven't slept in days...

So tired...

Anywho, I was in and out of consciousness watching Billy Crystal host the shit outta the Oscars like it was 1999, hoping to hell that gorgeous George's pants would "malfunction" (you guys notice it's only chicks who get these wardrobe malfunctions?  BS!  I want to see Clooney PEEEENNNN!!!!) but all I got was a whole lotta boring!

In my estimation the most laughable and memorable moments were given generously by presenters and guests.  Ryan Seacrest started his night on the red carpet by getting the faux Bisquit "ashes" of Kim Jong-Il poured onto his feminine behind by Borat in a promotional stunt for his new flick The Dictator.  They'll be talking about it for years which is like Seacrest crack!  He loves the spotlight and now he's a part of Oscar history!  He held it together basically just having a professional boner in front of everyone and changing his Burberry jacket.  Borat was escorted out.

Everyone was losing their shit over Stacy Kiebler on the carpet...I kept yelling at my TV that "There's a wrestler trying to sneak into the Oscars!" but no one would heed my warnings!  They kept pretending it was okay that a wrestler was at the Oscars!  It was awkward - like when I accidentally touched my cat's butt and wouldn't make eye contact for days...well, not really like that, but my life is very different from that of a Clooney ho - so I make adjustments to my metaphors...Sick Marchesa dress though - SICK!    

Image Via www.instyle.com

J. Lo and Cameron Diaz took the stage and showed their million dollar asses off before turning about face and giving me an eyeful of Lopez nipple...yawn!  The boob's been done, J. Lo!  So played out!!!  Her PR team is lying and saying that it's a shadow, but I know me a nipple when I see me a nipple and that shit was a nipple!!!  Or a nipple shaped shadow ;).  And not to be a major bitch here - but did Gigli win an Oscar for shittiest movie and I missed it???  Why is there a singer there???  Just sing Jenny From the Block to all of us already and go on about your bizness, woman!  NEXT!

Image Via www.onyxbook.com

Saint Angelina Jolie of Pittopia pulled some weird stunt queen shit on stage (and all the way down the red carpet) when she went to present posing like she was goddamn Christy Turlington or something!  It was a total Snooki/CourtneyStodden thing to do and Ang is NO Snooki/CourtneyStodden so when she did it, it just seemed really, really stupid.  (She even re-adjusted her stunt queen pose when her leg wasn't sexy enough for her liking!)  Twitter blew up, everyone made fun of her and it now seems jamming your leg out awkwardly has become something of the new Tebowing or Planking - Also, her skinny, pale gam now has a twitter page called Angelina's Right Leg if you're one of those jerks on twitter who follows trend accounts in lieu of funny, blogger's accounts that are AWESOME!  (Editor's Note:  Follow me on Twitter at @BungledBotched!)

Oh and for those of you interested in the actual awards, Meryl Streep took - nay STOLE - top actress from Jen Lindley of Dawson's Creek (on Cosmo channel everyday still at four BTW.)  The french dude who said two words in The Artist won best actor and his movie took top spot as best movie.

Then I fell back asleep...

...Nipple shadow - pfft!  Gimme a break!

Image Via www.gossipwhyfame.com

L&S Lists Brad's FEARS for Shiloh!

Life & Style magazine has gone and reported this little gem of bullshittery about Papa Pitt being all sorts of worried about Shiloh's short hair length and the fact that she plays with dinosaurs.

Yeah, that's what's up lol.

The mag says that Shiloh's hair is shorter than ever (GASP!) and that she has traded in her "dolls for dinosaurs" which is pretty much a passive aggressive way of insinuating that Brad would shit bricks if Shiloh pulled a Chaz Bono.  

A "friend of Angie's" has chosen L&S to confide in about Angelina and Brad's possibly gay daughter and how he would react.  They say that, "It would crush Brad if one of his kids was picked on."  A random nosy bitch who saw Angelina and Shiloh at a market said she even thought it was one of the Pitt-Jolie boys.  Yeah, like Angelina got her shopping on at a market with the Chosen One.  She has people who have people for that!  Ass.

I find it hard to believe that he cares if her hair is short.  Shit!  I rocked a bowl cut for the better part of my childhood and playing with Castle Grayskull was my jam!  I (questionably) turned out just fine.  Girls toys sucked - prob still do.

Oh and if Brad really didn't want his kids to be made fun of he should've rethought that Benjamin Button crap.

Just sayin'.

Image Via www.lifeandstylemag.com

Guess The Celebrity Kids

Oh why not, eh?  Not much else going on other than Lindsay losing and finding her stupid purse... 

Your mission is as follows, correctly ID all 8 of the celebrity kids below.  That's it, that's all.  Answers are at the bottom so don't go all scroll crazy if you want to guess.  You don't win anything but feel free to go ahead and pat yourself on the back if you get 'em all right! 

This kid's mom is a lip-syching guru who had her entire face changed with surgery (to look like her hotter sister no less) and his emo dad used to be a rock star in a band.  Emo idiot.
 

This one has two of the most beautiful parents in the world and enjoys traveling, wearing ties and possibly holding impromptu UN-style conferences with her many brothers and sisters...If this kid grows up to look anything like her mommy, DAMN!  Her fine ass daddy better get a gun.

This kid's parents have both played superheroes (though pretty shitty ones) and were both in the flick Pearl Harbour.  Her dad almost married one of the biggest stars on the planet and won a debatable Oscar for writing when he was only 26.   

This one's single mother is beloved as all hell and divorced one of the biggest douchebags in the history of douchbaggery just last year.   She has moved on with her life and the kid and he moved on to cheating on the next idiot in another highly publicized break up a few months ago.

These two cool bros have musician parents (with one hell of a fashionable mother!)  These are the dopest kids on the block, yo!  And they know it!  It is a little depressing these two are always dressed better than me and there is nothing I can do about it...but SO CUTE!  Who cares!?!  Puppies for everyone!!!

This kid's mother got famous because she is the sister of someone who got famous because she has a big ass and a porn tape...yes that's right.  His dad is a damn funny tweeter of dick jokes and rocks a suit and a cane like it's no one's damn BIZNESS!  Dude shuts it down!  Every.  Single.  Time. 

These two little ones look EXACTLY like their divorced mom and dad and should thank their lucky damn stars for that, because their parents are H-O-T!  Their mother won an Oscar for her work in a biopic and their dad recently had another kid with a model he knocked up by accident.
 

This baby's mom's a rocker chick and her dad's a motocross legend.  She has the same name as a tree and enjoys drooling, licking plastic toys and breastfeeding.  Her dad was also on The Surreal Life with Janice Dickinson and Omarosa lol.  Epic TV.

ANSWERS:

Bronx Wentz (Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz) Image Via www.fuckyeahbronxwentz.tumblr.com
Shiloh Jolie Pitt (Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt) Image Via www.people.com
Violet Affleck (Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck)  Image Via www.affleckgirls.wordpress.com
Louis Bullock (Sandra Bullock) Image Via www.radaronline.com
Zuma and Kingston (Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale) Image Via www.x17.com
Mason Disick (Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick)  Image Via www.x17.com
Ava and Deacon Phillippe (Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe)  Image Via Fame
Willow Sage Hart (Pink and Carey Hart) Image Via www.socialitelife.com

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie put Malibu Beach Pad up For Sale

In today's FML post, I'm going to show you Brad and Ang's Malibu beach house.  The sucker is up for sale for about $14 mill. 

This is the exterior.  Even the outside looks like these guys don't fuck around when it comes to real estate.

 This is probably where Brad and Ang sit around and talk about how awesome they are.

Who needs an ocean?  These bitches have a pool!  Even though they live on a fucking beach!

That's so ostentatious.

You guys just WAIT until I'm rich and famous!  Imma have me a mansion better than this!  And I'll have less kids to fuck up my shit - prob only one...hopefully a boy - no one messin' with the queen. 

Booyah! 

Title Image Via www.angelinajoliepics.com
Home Images Via www.realtor.com

Brad Pitt Verbally Poops Out Some Insensitive Shit About Jennifer Aniston

Brad Pitt has decided to sound off on how much his life sucked in the 90s - including how uninteresting his marriage was with JenAn.  Well, that's not very nice!

The aging A-lister told Parade, "I spent the '90s trying to hide out, trying to duck the full celebrity cacophony...I started to get sick of myself sitting on a couch, holding a joint, hiding out. It started feeling pathetic...It became very clear to me that I was intent on trying to find a movie about an interesting life, but I wasn't living an interesting life myself."

Bitch please!  Some of us LIVE on our couches typing snark stories about non celebs and we deal with it just fine - you're complaining about being a superstar actor (who gets the juiciest roles this side of Tom Hanks) who was married to an intelligent, architecturally-savvy hottie?  Yeah, sooo uninteresting...I feel really bad for you - ass.

He went on to insensitively say, "I think that my marriage [to actress Jennifer Aniston] had something to do with it. Trying to pretend the marriage was something that it wasn't."  Oh?  What's that, monogamous?

"I'm satisfied with making true choices and finding the woman I love, Angie, and building a family that I love so much. A family is a risky venture, because the greater the love, the greater the loss…That's the trade-off.  But I'll take it all.  One of the greatest, smartest things I ever did was give my kids Angie as their mom...She is such a great mom.  Oh, man, I'm so happy to have her...We'll get married when everyone can. We're not splitting up. And we don't have a seventh child yet." 

Why you gotta do her dirty dude!?!  Especially right now when her mom is dying in a hospital, you selfish prick!  Uncool!  Obvi, I don't have a prob with him talking about his undying love for Ang because he's with her now but keep Aniston's name out yo' mouth bitch!  Just leave it alone!

NOTE:  Brad released this statement in regards to the article (something he NEVER does FYI):  "It grieves me that this was interpreted this way.  Jen is an incredibly giving, loving, and hilarious woman who remains my friend.  It is an important relationship I value greatly. The point I was trying to make is not that Jen was dull, but that I was becoming dull to myself -- and that, I am responsible for."  Whatever man, you speak english AND you're a pretty sharp guy, whether it was you that you meant sucked or her - it's still a fucked up thing to say. 

Image Via www.hollywooddame.com  

Angelina Jolie's Perfect Face Covers October Issue of Vanity Fair

Bow down, peasants!  Hide your eyes from the beauty that is Angelina Jolie!!! 

It's...so...breathtaking! 

 
Saint Angelina even graced the magazine with snippets of her angelic yet soft-spoken voice, giving an interview where she talks babies, Brad and bitches!  Just kidding - babies, Brad and being a bride.  How's that for some alliteration, Booyah!

On more chosen ones kids:
"I'm not pregnant. I'm not adopting at the moment."

On Brad's fine ass:
"He'd come in and say what he liked [about her new film] or what he didn't understand.  Like any woman, I would listen to most of it and fight a few things. He's been so supportive. But it's hard to separate the person that loves you from the critic, so I don't think he's a fair judge."

On the wedding that is never going to happen:
"[There's] no secret wedding."

So okay...good stuff!  The rest was just artsy fartsy shit about her career so I just included the juice.  No babies, no wedding and Brad critiques her work (yeah right.)  I just totally picture her with that husky voice yellin' at Brad about world issues and how much she hates Jennifer Aniston for breathing but I could be wrong.  I could be wrong. 

Image Via www.vanityfair.com

Chelsea Handler calls Angelina Jolie a C-Word - Perez Hilton Cries About It

During a stand-up show in trashy ass New Jersey, Chelsea Handler opened a can of comedic whoop ass on Saint Angelina, calling the superstar a cunt and a bitch.

Chelsea is one of my favorite female comedians after Janeane Garofalo, so I think she's pretty damn funny and I'm not too shocked when she lays a verbal smackdown on A-Listers, but apparently Queen Perez has taken issue with her attack on the black-swaddled mother of six.

Calling the barrage uncalled for and accusing Chelsea of being unfunny, the new namby-pamby Perez seems to have quickly forgotten what a douche he used to be and how he used to give his own very similar jabs at celebs.  Hell, bitch used to be the go-to blogger for trashing picking on celeb kids!  I may be a douche too, but there are only two things I believe in and one is that you don't ever fuck with kids.

Anyways, the moral is that Chelsea is a comedian who is obviously going to tell jokes, even if they are jokes that - Heaven forbid - burns the worlds sensitive ears, Perez Hilton is a raging hypocrite and Chuy fucking rules!