World's Best Kangaroo Loves His Toy Bunny

Check out Roger the kangaroo.  He's pretty fucking awesome (and apparently hella ripped - holy Jeebus.)  He hangs out at a sanctuary in Australia with his bestest buddy, a soft plush bunny he likes to hold in his buff ass arms.  Cue the Awwwwws.

Roger is an alpha male (aren't they all? Ugh...) who was given the bunny as a random gift from a visitor...the story warrants its questionable merit/legs because the manager of the sanctuary is a filthy rat who wants everyone to know that...

NOW ROGER WILL NOT LET THE BUNNY GO.

Mr. Barnes, the aforementioned cheese eating manager, says > "When I gave it to him he snatched it off me really quickly and proceeded to attack it, giving it a "bear hug" and wrestling it, even hugging it and kicking out as he would do in kick boxing match, he's an expert kick boxer."

Expert kick boxer?  That's legit.  Jean Claude van Damme style.

Whenever Barnes tries to take the bunny back Roger gets all kickboxy on him and attacks him whilst keeping his bunny safe.  Barnes says they go through this shit on the daily.  

What the hell is even the problem though?  Just let the dude have his bunny, man!  Why you gotta be all up in his grill about it?  It's his damn bunny...  

See, I get worked up because, thing is - Roger has had a rough life...



Just kidding - hella funny flick though.

But poor Roger was rescued in 2006 after his mother was found dead on a highway.  Barnes says that "baby kangaroos are often found still alive in the pouches of dead kangaroos out on the roadside," which is like the saddest thing I have ever heard.  Baby kangaroo orphans...

That is so NOT "on fleek."

Barnes also says that "Roger is often very protective of the female members of his group," and that "he will attack anyone or anything that gets too close to him or his women."

Sounds pretty pimp to me...Just let him have the stupid bunny.  

Image Via www.the dailymail.co.uk

This Poopy Bastard has Turded on 19 Cars in 2 Years - Police Hunt Ensues

Turd alert, people!

Some DISGUSTING idiot with too much GD free time on his hands is ripping around Ohio dropping mad poop piles on other people's cars.

Really dude, really?

His turds have defiled nearly 20 cars in 2 years but the poopoo popo just recently got a break when one of his repeat victims taped his yucky ass taking a dump FOR THE 6TH TIME on his hoopty (pic above).

Lol Ain't that about a bitch!

"We got a sicko on our hands and I was determined at that point to catch him. Then we found out that this happened to a lot of our neighbors. This guy needs help. Big time. We have to put a stop to it."

Fucking word to big bird... 

The poopatrator perpetrator sometimes doesn't just shit all over cars but has, at times, left a "gift" for the driver INSIDE the vehicle (so effing wrong) and other times has smeared his crap "all over the windows," (equally as effing wrong.) 

"Other neighbors report finding smeared poop on everything from outdoor toys to slides" and "Many items have had to be thrown away after being soiled with waste."

Well yeah!  And B T Dubs it's a real DICK MOVE to shit all over little kids toys!  The fuck does that?  Not cool, bro.  Not cool.  

Keep yo' ass in yo' pants and your poops to yourself!  You think this is a game, son?!?!

Image Via www.thedailymail.co.uk Co Akron Police

Man Found a 2 Metre PYTHON in his Corn Flakes Box

Ew, ew, EWWWWW!

Last Tuesday, Jarred Smith (pictured above with a kickass moustache) got the shock of his life when he innocently went to get his breakfast on only to see something "strange and scaly" sticking out of his cereal box.

Moustachio told The Daily Mail >

"I thought mum [dude's Aussie] had bought some strange door stopper at first [the hell?] but then I saw the tail end of what looked like a snake and thought 'no way its a snake'...Then I peeked in the top of the cereal box and its head popped out."

FUCK THAT!

Jarred understandably got his panties in a bunch and called the NSW Wildlife Information, Rescue and Education Service (WIRES) and told them about his DISGUSTING cereal sitch.

A snake handler came quickly and saved Jarred and his moustache from the 2 metre diamond python, ripping the box to get it out.  He told Jarred that the species is harmless unless provoked.

Ugh.  That's a crappy tip - Like I would know what's provocation to a snake... 

"Although Jarred has never seen a snake before - let alone up so close and personal - he was impressed with how attractive the reptile was," says The Daily Fail Mail.  "He's a good looking snake so if he comes back it's fine - I just didn't expect to find it in my cereal."

Australians are boss bitches - Place is a fucking death trap!  

The snake was put outside in the garden.  Check out Jarred's video Here.  

Ick!

Images Via www.thedailymail.co.uk (Co Jarred Smith) 

Man Burnt Himself Praying Over Hot Ass Fajitas at Applebee's - Tries to Sue

Over in Jersey, a former fajita lover named Hiram Jimenez, was just about to get his nosh on when he paused to bow his head over his meal of Mexican yumminess to say a prayer.

It did not go well.

According to the court report (italicized) >

-He bowed his head to pray over the crackling plate, and some oil popped and burned his face. 

Yeah, fajitas are pretty effing hot and they spray like a bitch because they serve 'em on those hot ass skillets.  Avoid putting faces directly above them.

-He then panicked and knocked the plate in his lap, causing more burns, none of which resulted in scars.

Ok, kind of giggled at that (shame on me) because I know that the worst thing you can do in any situation, let alone one involving possible grease burns, is panic.  You GOTS to keep it cool.  The CSI fan in me is also a little curious about how knocking a plate of oily fajitas into your lap "causing more burns" wouldn't leave scars.  I burn myself ALL the time because I like to have a few glasses of wine when I cook (amIrightladies?) and sometimes my bitch oven burns me.  There are always scars.  Always. 

-He said his waitress failed to alert him that his meal was hot. 

Um, this is pretty common sense.  Some food is hot.  You can distinguish which foods are hot using minimal brain usage, if any.  Tell tale signs include sizzling, smoke and a somewhat "melty" look. 

-He is seeking damages on the grounds that he suffered "serious and permanent" injuries "solely as a result of (Applebee's) negligence when he came in contact with a dangerous and hazardous condition, specifically, "a plate of hot food."

Ugh.  Though it's totes cool (yeah I rock totes sometimes) that he wants to pray to God and thank him for inventing man who in turn created Applebee's, he needs to get a grip and just be more careful around sizzling skillets of deliciousness. 

A trial judge dismissed the suit (duh) finding that "Applebee's had no duty to warn Jimenez 'against a danger that is open and obvious' like a sizzling hot plate of fajitas."

Jimenez even appealed it (seriously - grip, get one) but the appellate court told him "Applebee's can't be held responsible because the hot food posed an a risk that should be 'self-evident' and thus 'approached with due care.'"

Sorry brah got burnt but you gotta pay attention!  Life isn't all la di da hope I don't get hurt or die.

That's a good tip.  Write that shit down.

Image Via www.tripadvisor.com

Someone STOLE this Russian Dudes Testicles

Can I get a what what?

30 yo Russian actor Dmitry Nikolaev has been robbed of his nutsack yo!  Black market organ stealing style!

Cops in Russia are on the look out for a gang of assholes who go around stealing people's organs after poor Dmitry was drugged by a blonde chick and woke up missing his balls.

So sad. :(

The Russian soap actor WHO IS MARRIED had gone to a bar after finishing a performance at a Moscow theatre where some sketchy blonde woman approached him and wanted to have a drink with him.  Blondy McOrganStealer was apparently flirting with him and invited him to a sauna (is that a thing?)

Dmitry went with her.



While in the sauna (still not sure why that's a thing) "They kissed and had some more beer and after that the actor remembers nothing."

Dude woke up next day at a bus stop!  He was in crazy pain and had blood on his pants.

Once he got to the hospital it was sort of a good news bad news sitch - the bad news was that his testes had been straight up jacked, the good news was that "It was done like proper surgery by someone with a medical education" and in a "...skilful way."  Looks like we gots a docta in the gang!

I call him Dr. Dickhead.

Anyways, that good news is not really good news but hey, someone stole this guys junk!  Nothing will EVER be good now.

Media reports say the actor, "Was too embarrassed at first to explain what had happened to his wife."

Lol - Well duh, dumbass.  Shouldn't have put his horny married ass in that position.  Shit was fucked up since jump street.

But that's neither here nor there.

Bottom Line > Don't drink and make out with sketchball broads that aren't your wife...

And stay the hell outta those questionable saunas!

Image Via www.tripadvisor.ca (Not a post affiliated Image)

Kid Buys Angry Birds Toy at Target - Finds 85 Grams of Pot Inside

Oh shit.  

When a kid in Brampton Ontario bought a $5.41 Angry Bird Telepod game at a local Target he got a little more than just the crappy game he wanted.

Kid scored 85 grams of free pot to boot!    

When the 4 yo brought the toy home and had trouble opening the box he asked his mom for help.  That's when she realized that there was a large bag of mary jane in the package.

Her and her husband brought the bag to the popo who "...went to the Target location and searched other toy boxes, but didn't find any more drugs."  They are also searching surveillance footage and checking to see if the toy may have been returned by some sorry ass stoner who got all confused, put his dealbag into a toy box, returned it to Target for some reason and is now missing his weed stash.

Tar-Jay gave the kid a replacement toy sans pot but his ma Monika Milewska says she is "...still not happy."

Says the kids mom > "That night my son was horrified.  He could not sleep on his own and kept asking us questions - why was it in his toy? Who put it there? What was it?"

Lewis Pagayatan, the kid's dad said, "He's four years old,  You shouldn't be explaining to your four-year-old son about drugs, you know?"

Though I do agree that is is majorly fucked up that a 4 yo kid saw this shit, Mom and dad need to slow their roll a bit - I'm pretty sure the lil' bugger isn't going to be screwed up for life.    

Just tell him it was some oregano or something...he'll be cool. 

Target is partnering with law enforcement to investigate and urges anyone with info to call Crimestoppers.

Image Via www.ctvnews.ca

This Guy Broke into a Funeral Home and Banged a Corpse

Get the fuck outta here!

Domonique Smith, a 26 yo homeless man with some bitchin' dreads, was recently nabbed by local lawdogs in Georgia for breaking into a funeral home and banging a female corpse.

Ew, ew, EW!

The popo say, "The results of our investigation and the forensic examination gave us probable cause to believe that this individual had indeed sexually assaulted a dead body."

Ugh!  I feel kind of bad that the dude's homeless and all but damn bitch!  Dead people are off limits!  Don't do that shit.

Smith was found all red handed in a vacant home with some stolen crap from the funeral break-in including a bike, TVs and guns (what kind of funeral home is this?) and is currently in jail where his yucky ass belongs.

He appears in court on the charge of being one sick motherfucker necrophilia tomorrow.

Image Via www.examiner.com

Some Crazy Bitch In Delaware Ripped Her Ex-Boyfriend's Scrotum Off

DAMN!  That's so meeaaannn!

Peep this scrotum lovers >

Back in the day (2012) in Indiana there lived a cold blooded bitch named Christina Reber who literally ripped a guys balls half off about a week after he broke up with her.

Woman!  Guys need those!

Apparently, Nick Ramsey was just chillin' out one night "on the computer" (aka watching porn) when his crazy ex girlfriend Christina Lorena Reber just up and walked into his house.  Startled, Nick turned to confront her but before he knew it she started slappin' the hell outta him.

Evidently, the lovely Christina stank of booze and broken hearts and when Nick tried to slow her abusive roll she went for the testes!    

The sack whack, the ball brawl...the nut cut...

Christina grabbed Nick's scrotum with all her jilted ex might and pulled like hell!  His nutsack would never be the same...

Who does shit like that?

She fled the scene and was captured but is just now being sentenced to 2 years - which seems pretty low considering she yanked someone's goddamn scrotum off.  Nick was treated for massive blood loss at Ball Hospital (yeah, you read that right) and apparently the poor guy continues to feel pain and when it swells up it makes it hard to walk.  Awwww.

Not cool, lady!  How would you feel if someone tried to rip your tittays off?!?!?

That's right.  It would fucking suck.

Image Via www.dailymail.co.uk

Randy Quaid Posted a Super Crazy Ass Video "to Rupert Murdoch"

Randy Quaid has lost his goddamn mind.

Five days ago Randy Quaid (and his wife) uploaded a video to vidme called "Message to Rupert Murdoch" and it is just meeeeesssssy as all hell.

I'm not too sure if they're still in Canada (God help us all) but there's a few clues they may be in my neck of the woods...plaid sheets...a toque...shit like that.  It looks to be filmed in a hotel room but I mean who the hell really knows.

Quaid starts off by getting his bitch on about Newscorp and Warner Brothers lamenting that he's "...earned well over a billion dollars for Independence Day and Christmas Vacation."  He says that WB exec Bruce Berman stole his house (yeah right crazy pants - that dude's like no joke) and that he was falsely arrested by TMZ 6 times.

What.  The.  Fuck?

Now I'm no legal eagle but I am pretty damn sure that you cannot be arrested by TMZ and/or Harvey Levin but Quaid insists there is a massive conspiracy going down!  He is convinced that PMC (Police Media Corruption) is happening!  Police Media Corruption is happening people!!!  Apparently only to Randy Quaid for some reason...and maybe that dude from Creed.

Nonetheless!  Randy Quaid would rather drown in piss then go down without a fight!

This is when shit gets real.

He gets his icky wife to put on a Rupert Murdoch mask because "...if Rupert is gonna fuck [him] then [he's] gonna fuck Rupert."

You may wanna stop watching at the one and a half minute mark as Quaid appears to start banging his wife while their dog barks his ass off at the two crazies.  It's pretty nasty and certainly NSFW so volume down for the lookie loos.

Here's the vid >

Randy Quaid - Message to Rupert Murdoch

Ugh, poor dog.

Image Via www.vid.me/TsNm

Family Buries "Dead" Pet Cat - Cat Comes Back Alive 5 Days Later

Ack!  ZOMBIE KITTY! ZOMBIE KITTY!

So down in sunny Florida there lives this BAD mammajamma cat named Bart. Poor Bart was struck by a car earlier this month and buried by his owners near the Tampa street where he was hit. 

Poor kitty...

But THEN 'bout 5 days later some serious Walking Dead shit happened!

Bart woke up, dug his cat ass out of his premature grave WITH a broken jaw, cracked palette and facial injuries from that damn car that hit him and went home!

It's a Festivus Miracle!

A neighbor said she found the 1-1/2-year-old cat "dirty and dehydrated, wandering in [her] yard and meowing. At first it blew [her] away, all [she] knew was this cat was dead and 'Pet Cemetery' is real."

Whoa, whoa, whoa...I don't know about all THAT shit.

The owner thinks his idiot cat was "touched by God" but methinks that is a big old crock of horseshit.  I think some cats are just super thug and have nine lives.

Oh, and check this out > the neighbor's cat died the same day with similar injuries (she's pretty sure her cat got hit by the same jerk driver that MURDERED poor Bart) and her kids think their cat is going to come back from the dead now too lol.  

So to the driver who callously drove over two cats in one day and took off, Bart has just given you the middle finger you filthy cat killer.

Eyes on the road, people!

Image Via www.nbcnews.com

Bride Sews Baby onto Wedding Gown Train...Internet Goes Apeshit

You wanna know what you call 5000 bridezillas at the bottom of the ocean???

A good start!

Ba-da-rump-pump-paaaaa!

So let's just be real...in general, brides can be pretty fucking crazy.  I watch that Bridezillas nonesense.  It's no joke!

These chicks want what they want when they want it and everyone else can go screw themselves - in this particular case, this bride wanted her newborn baby sewn onto the train of her wedding dress.

So romantic...

Essentially, Shona Carter-Brooks from Tennessee attached her one-month-old daughter, Aubrey, to the train of her wedding dress and dragged her cute little baby ass down the aisle and as expected, online criticism ensued...

The lovely bride posted this on facebook in response to the "haters" >

"We do what we want when we want long as Jesus on our side everything worked out fine and gone continue to be fine...Our 1 month old was awake and well secured on my train. Most important while yall got ya feelings in us we had our hearts in Christ which covers all!!"

Lol Hmmmm.  Interesting response...a little ghetto but that's all right no judgement...Go Jesus!

When it comes down to it it is up to the mother to do whatever the hell she thinks is right with her baby but generally it's prob best to not put a baby on the floor in any circumstance...

What if someone steps on your kids head, man?  Or kicks them in their wittle face???  Who knows what could happen at a wedding?  Open bars...slutty bridesmaids...fucking antipasto!   It's a toxic mix and anything can happen to a floor baby!

But hey, you do you, boo.  I'm no mother...I have cats.

(I do know enough not to drag my fucking cats around on the goddamn floor though...dumbass.) 

Just sayin'. 

Images Via www.cbc.ca

Man Takes LSD, Dresses Up as an Elf and Attacks a Beamer

Fucking geeks...

Some nimrod in Oregon named Konrad Bass (cool name) was up to all sorts of questionable shenanigans last Tuesday when he took a bunch of acid, got on his best elf gear and hit the town!  More specifically, he hit some broad's BMW.

The call came into 911 around 7 am (who the fuck does acid at 7 am?  Get it together, dude) from a woman who said she was trapped in her car getting attacked by a "pirate."  When cops arrived on the scene the chain mail clad, sword wielding Bass informed them that he was in fact an elf who just happened to currently be "engaged in battle with the evil Morgoth."

Ugh...idiot...

He also told officers that the LSD he had taken may have been the reason he believed the BMW was an instrument of Morgoth, the evil villain from the Lord of the Rings prequel, The Silmarillion.

Lol.  Ya think?

They took his stupid sword away and Bass was carted off to the hospital and cited with criminal mischief.  

Bass, an avid LARPER (obvi) who writes fantasy novels under the name Konrad McKane (I'm not even joking) later said in an interview with Vocativ >

"I wasn't in my right mind.  I was still rocking my new pair of elf ears...I hopped on her hood and tried to pierce her tires with my master sword.  I was trying to prove a point.  Don't mess with a dark elf."

He claims he "mistook the car for a shapeshifting demon."

There is so much wrong with that hot mess of an explanation I don't even know where to start..."still rocking my new pair of elf ears"?  "Don't mess with a dark elf"?  Who saaaaays shit like that??? 

Bass also said in the interview that last time he dropped acid he turned into a dragon.

I'm not one to tell anyone what to do or anything but maybe this guy should lay off the acid...Or at the very least, stay his ass at home when he does it. 

Image Via www.gawker.com

Taxi Driver Drugged Women to Make them Have to Piss In Front of Him

Look out, ladies!

Over in Japan there's a 41 yo cabbie named Toshihiko Nishi who is COMPLETELY SICK and likes to get his Asian rocks off by watching chicks who have to take a piss squirm in discomfort.

Yeah, you read that right.

Tosh (Imma just call him Tosh because that shit is harder to spell than Schwarzenegger) says he has a fetish for the super sexy pre-piss in your panties look and to fulfill his silence of the lamby wet dreams he would ply customers with some delicious ass looking biscuits that were secretly laced with diuretics.

"I got excited by watching women trying to withstand the urge to urinate," Tosh told investigators.  "I bought diuretics through the Internet, and crushed them to mix with crackers."

Damn Internet...

When police raided Tosh's crib, they found vids of approx. 50 women pissing themselves he had recorded with the cab's security camera.

That is just SO wrong.

Tosh has been arrested on suspicion of committing a violent act and his stank ass toilet taxi is hopefully being burned.

Oh and PS - Y'all just can't go around eating ANYTHING that anyone gives you!  Seriously!  Don't do that.

You will get chlamydia and die. 

Image Via www.thedailymail.co.uk

This Guy Got Busted Trying to Have Sex with a Horse on Craigslist

Fucking Craigslist...

22 year old Donald Waelde (doesn't he look like Blossom!?!) was just hanging around thinking about how awesome it would be to bang a horse when he got the brilliant idea to post an ad on Craigslist advertising his horse banging needs.

Ugh.

He stated in the ad that he wanted to "play with a horse" and offered to "do something in return" if he could have access to one.  It was posted in the missed connections section.

Something's missing all right...

The Phoenix resident (I know it's weird it's not Florida, right?) was coooold busted when an undercover cop answered the ad.  

When the popo spoke with Waelde he went into detail about what he was going to do to the poor horsey and apparently it was nefarious enough for the cops to make plans to meet up.  They nabbed his pervy ass and a search warrant has been executed for his home to see if he was up to any other DISGUSTING shenanigans.

Bestiality has been illegal in Arizona since 2006 which is a little too recent for my tastes but nonetheless - no horse fucking allowed!

Go get your life together buddy...and stay off that goddamn Craigslist!

Image Via www.azfamily.com

Florida Woman Gives Birth on Crack Binge - Chews Through Umbilical Cord

Wowsa!  That's pretty badass...

Thug Life!

Some genius knocked up 37 yo crack smoker named Chrystal (Sidebar: SUCH a hooker name) was just kickin' it last Friday with her man and her 11 month old kid in a motel room on a 24 hour crack binge when BAM!  Cracky McBadMother went into labor!

I hate it when that happens...   

Her stupid boyfriend Vincent had been running errands (possibly crack-related errands) so what's one to do?  Call 911?  Call the motel manager?    

Nope.  She decided to man up!  The lovely Chrystal got into the bathtub, popped the kid out and then chewed through the umbilical cord like a fucking rabid animal.

Who does that shit?

She did call Vincent but apparently he's also a genius and he had been pulled over for speeding while running his cracked out errands.  He would've been released with a ticket but once the cop ran Vinnie's ID he found out that he's wanted for attempted murder in Colorado.

lol Get the fuck outta here!    

After an hour Chrystal finally called 911 like a normal person and is now charged with child neglect.  The baby is now at a Gainesville hospital in critical condition and both parents are in jail where their stupid asses belong.

Image Via www.mynews13.com

22 Lb Cat With "History of Violence" Holds Family Hostage

CAT ASS trophe, yo!

Over in Oregon last Sunday, a 22 lb cat named Lux took the family it lived with hostage until police were able to save them...

So stupid...

The cat had apparently become super pissy when the family's 7 month old son pulled its tail.  Lux scratched the grabby kid on the forehead, the boy's father kicked Lux and that is when the cat shit hit the fan!

Lux went all ImaCrazyBitch and "trapped" the family in a bedroom.

My eyes have just rolled outta my damn head...

"We're trapped, he won't let us out of our door," the father told 911 dispatchers as his family hid because he's a pussy wussy (allegedly).  "The cat has gone over the edge. He's trying to attack us -- he's very hostile. He's at our door. He's charging us."

Now, I have a pretty fat fucking cat, The Judge is 20 lbs of fabulous and a whole lotta attitude (shout out to mah boo whoot whoot) >>>

But even if he was attacking me (PS he would never do that because he's my wittle chunky monkey) I'm like 99% sure I could take him!  And I didn't mention this, but check this > they had a DOG and the mofo just hid with them!  This cat is going all Chris Brown on the kid and the stupid dog hides?  #DogFail  No no... #EPICDogFail

Boom.  Just threw some mad hashtag shade....        

The police report says that officers apprehended the cat as it was "attempting to flee custody" (that's pretty funny) and also added that "Officers were able to outwit the high-strung Himalayan and safely place the cat inside its crate."

Well that's good.  I know I prefer police officers who are able to outwit cats.

The family says Lux has always had a "history of violence" (that's some badass shit) so they are not sure what their next crazy cat owning steps may be.

Oh and check it...there's a 911 tape lol and it's just as stupid as you think it's gonna be...

Image Via www.globeandmail.com

This Chick Beat Up Her Mother with a Vibrator

Oh snap!  That's a DILDON'T!

Last Sunday night cops were called when 60 yo Sheryl Claffy was assaulted by her 35 yo daughter Cara with a vibrator.

Boom.  Drop the mic and walk away...

Though the two both admitted they had been arguing, daughter dearest insists that she definitely did not smack her mother in the head with a sex toy.  She maintains that her mother hit herself in the head with it lol.

For fuck's sakes idiots, if you're gonna lie at least lie well!

The vibrator was recovered (in some dude's car on the floor for some reason - who are these people?) and it was identified as the daughters.  She was apprehended at a nearby house and arrested for being the shittiest daughter ever domestic abuse.   

Aside from the obvious DISGUSTINGNESS of being hit so hard with a sex toy your head bleeds, who the hell hits their mother with anything???  That is just wrong!  It's like slapping a puppy, man...with your dick...you just don't do it.

Not cool, lady!  Make better choices. 

Image Via www.thesmokinggun.com

Oh Mah God! This British Chippy Got Brain Maggots!

Ack!

I hate maggots!  Once when I was a little kid my pops told me to get him some carrots from the cold room (pantry) and when I jammed my cute little innocent hand into the bag it was straight up just carrot mush and yellow maggots!  Fucking scarred for life, man!  Oh yeah!  It was just like when Atreyu's stupid horse Artax drowned in the swamp of sadness!



Fucked up childhood memory shit...

Anywho, there's this British broad who went to Peru on vacay and when she came back she was all oh shit I have an ear infection and went to the doc.

Note that during the trip she had noticed some weird happenings...a fly had been lodged in her ear briefly, she got mad headaches and every now and then some funky ass ear liquid would be found on her pillow.

Ewwww.

Well, it wasn't an ear infection - Doctors discovered it was maggots (BRAIN MAGGOTS!  FUCKING BRAIN MAGGOTS!!!) upon investigation and upon surgery yielded 8 maggots (BRAIN MAGGOTS!) from her head.

"It was the longest few hours that I have ever had to wait…" she said.  "I could still feel them and hear them and knowing what those scratching sounds were, and knowing what that wriggling feeling was, that just made it all the worse."

Ugh.  Maggots in my brain!  Like I don't have enough non-maggot shit to worry about...  

Image Via www.straight.com

If Any of Y'all Showered For Some Sketchy Dude in Montreal Call the Cops

Meet Carlos Palomino.  Carlos is 43 and lives in Montreal.  He enjoys wearing blue t-shirts, ignoring basic hygiene and oh yeah, Carlos is A BIG STOOPID JERK PERVERT!

Over in separatist-happy Quebec (Montreal more specifically) this fucking douchebag has been rippin' around for like half a decade conning his way into women's houses and watching (sometimes fondling) them in the shower!

Tabernak!

Here's the scam >

Carlos Pervertmino there had a female accomplice (shame on you, bitch!) who would call homes and claim she was calling from Hydro-Quebec.  She would let the women who answered know that a technician would be by soon and they should get ready to take a shower when he arrives.  Carlos McCreepy would show up as said technician and "using all sorts of excuses, like he needed help, the man would then either watch them bathe or in some cases fondle them."  Gross.

Local police have seven reported cases thus far and are looking for anyone else who was groped (or watched) in the shower by this dude to come forward.  (Call Info-Crime at 514-393-1133)

Now, I'm not one to blame the victim or anything but what the hell ladies?!?!  No hydro technician EVER needs to watch you shower while fondling you to fix your electricity!

Come on, now.  That shit doesn't even make sense!

Image Via www.ottawacitizen.com

$3000 Worth of Butt Plugs Stolen From Truck In Ottawa

That...is some random shit...

About 15 mins away from my crib near downtown Ottawa, a theft has taken place...a nefarious sex toy theft where more than $3k in "jeweled butt plugs, collars, whips and more" were stolen from the back of a truck while a "sex party" went on in inside.

Sex parties?  Butt plug filled trucks?  Quoi?

Since Canadians never lock our shit up the horny thief got away with a buttload! (No pun intended)  The actual list is lengthy and includes:

Four drool ball gags (two made of rubber), nine collars, three leashes with braided handles, two corset collars, four sets each of wrist and ankle cuffs, a set of leather handcuffs, 15 dog tags, and a cherry red latex dress.

Kinky!

The owner/maker of the items is known as a "sex master" in the BDSM community in Ottawa (who knew?) but also apparently has a day job that is not so um, cool? shall we say? so he is refusing to submit an actual police report.  His friend is the one who came forward with details about the Gloucester incident.

Now the Sex Master and his partner (the stolen red latex dress was a gift for his partner - Awww!) have been contacting sex shops asking them to be on the lookout for some shady looking bejeweled butt plugs and have also posted to Reddit urging that anyone "who finds someone bragging about a sexy score" to let them know.

No judgement or anything - if you want to stick jeweled plugs up your asshole that's your deal - but don't go stealing them!  Stealing is wrong!

#TeamOttawaSexMaster

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