$25K for The Situation? Check out this List of Celebrity Appearance Prices

Ugh!  How much would I have to pay to never see The Situation on another TV again???  

Check this horseshit out!  Turns out these celeb bitches make MAD Benjamins for just standing around!  Keep in mind that in addition to the list, the agent who quoted the numbers said that any celeb buyer should keep in mind that they'll most likely have to pay for what he called the Simple Four.  That includes the flight, ground transportation, hotel and food.  Oh and some won't fly commercial (whatever the fuck that means) so you'd have to shell out for a private jet...the greed is palpable...

BTW Most appearances are based on an approx. 2 hour appearance and/or gig.

In the music world you can score talented transvestite Lady Gaga for $2 million, Metallica for a cool $1.5 million, Pitbull for $300K and Ne-Yo for $200K.

You and your bonehead buddies can mentally jerk off to some random Playboy models who run about $1K - $1.5K or get Teresa Giudice to flip a table for $15K.  The Jersey Shore cast can buy all the booze and pickles they want with their appearance earnings - Deena Nicole nabs $8K for merping on everyone, Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino gets paid $25K to show off his rehabbed abs and though I'm not totally sure about Snook's, I know she got about $32K for speaking at prestigious Rutgers University...cha-ching!  Hell, even The Unit makes $5K!  The most famous Armenian porn star in the world, Kim Kardashian, is the one on top in the reality category though > Ho makes $125K an appearance!!!  Someone get me my video camera and a youtube account!

Sports stars also command some serious money for making an appearance.  To see Tim Tebow tebowing in person it will cost you $50K - $65K, Michael Jordan is the highest at approx $2 million and former Celtic Larry Bird asks for $75K.

AND the Warlock Vatican Assassin himself, Charlie Sheen, will bomb you with his torpedo of truth for $250K (and possibly throw up in your shitter) but he's one of the ones who requires a private jet so he can bang his goddesses the whole way the initial cost is negligible.

There you have it.  Looks like stars make some sa-weet bank from just showin' up places.  Gah!

In my estimation, anyone who gets off on hiring a celeb just so they can parade them around in front of a bunch of local gawkers like an inbred show dog needs to find some better shit to spend their money on.

Image Via www.roccosrevolution.com

Anybody Wanna Call a Celebrity??? Dial-a-Star Lets You!

There's only one small thing...

The celebs SUCK!

Here's the breakdown of "celebrity" prices PER MINUTE for new site, Dial-a-star.com:

Dina Lohan and Michael Lohan (Lindsay's stupid parents) - $10 each
Angelina Pivarnick (the Staten Island dump) -  $10
Nadya Suleman (Octomom) - $15
Capri Anderson (described as a former Charlie Sheen porn star - but she wasn't even a goddess so like, what the fuck?)  - $10

Danielle Staub (prostitution whore from Real Housewives of New Jersey) - $18

I also hear that Angelique, that trashy french whore from the Rock of Love crap, is available for a price.  LOL, I can't!

So...my question is...

Why the hell is it so expensive to call Danielle Staub???  (*cough* phone sex *ahem*)

EWWWWW!

Whatevs, I'm kind of thinking about drunk dialin' Michael Lohan and trying to save him from himself...other than that - LAME.

Image Via www.celebuzz.com

Charlie Sheen on Leno - The Bitch is Back!

I'll admit, though I'm a HUGE fan of Charlie Sheen, I was one of the peeps shooting off my yap about how he is sooo fucked and how he'll never be able to come back from the public shit he pooped out earlier this year but I'll be damned if the legendary sex machine didn't turn my opinion around about an hour ago on Leno!  The Sausage King of Chicago is back!  And it looks like he has all his teeth again...so that's also good!

Entering the stage to a half ass standing ovation, Charlie sat down with Leno for his first real interview back since his meltdown and here's what the hooker-lovin' star had to say...(Keep in mind it was hard for me to transcribe the interview because Charlie's been on coke for about 30 years and speaks pretty quickly - I managed to scribble down the "important" shit though.)

His POV about the whole breakdown:
"Wow.  It was like I was on a runaway train I was the reluctant conductor of...I said some things that were a little out there.  These were just metaphors."

On if he was out of control:
"Absolutely."

On when he decided to snap out of his gnarly fuckery:
"When I got fired and I realized I was pretty much LOSING!  I thought I could come back, kind of like you did."  (Hahaha!  That was a good one!  Zing Leno!)

On if he's pissed at CBS and the fact that he got fired:
"I'd have fired my ass too...I own my part in that and I just want to make everything right."

On dating and any possible new goddesses:
"I don't think you could call what I do dating.  I'm single.  I'm in work mode."

On the upcoming, much-anticipated Comedy Central roast:
"My career AND life is very roastable."

On if another epic meltdown could and/or would ever happen again: 
"I'm all out of slogans."  (Word!  That quote is EPIC!)

The interview was really effin' funny and I dare say this bitch is back!  Good for him - if anyone needs me, I'll be watching Ferris Bueller, eating my words...

Image Via www.guardian.co.uk

Emilio Estevez Says Charlie Sheen is All Good Now

Phew!  Now I can move on with my life!

Gordon Bombay is sticking up for his trainwreck brother saying it's all good in the hood, yo!  Even though this guy lost his starring role on the highest-rated sitcom on TV, two goddesses, his wife, his teeth and generally most of his dignity.  He's fine.

Says Estevez, "He's got his voice back. And I think he's got his focus. He's on a new show and he's gonna be roasted by Comedy Central – which I think is going to be hysterical. I think that he's really got it together and he's very excited about the crew of the show he's putting together."

Yeah, that roast is going to be pretty epic but as for his "focus", only thing that motherfucker is focused on is where to get some sweet hooker ass. 

I'll believe it when I see it.

Image Via www.themoviescene.co.uk

How Charlie Sheen Dies On 2 and a 1/2 Men - SPOILER ALERT

Let this be a lesson to all you hoity-toity actors who think your shit smells too rosy to be smeared on your talented, rich faces!!!  FEEL THE WRATH BITCHES!!!

According to PerezHilton.com, "In this season's premiere, we learn that Charlie actually MARRIED Rose, but then cheated on her while they were still in Paris. She actually finds him in the shower with another woman! Well, during the funeral, Rose gives a eulogy to remember her husband and recounts how sometime after that, they were waiting for a Paris subway when Charlie "slipped" and the subway literally blew him apart in a 'meat explosion.'"

Take that you crazy, money-hungry warlock assassin!  Who's winning now???  Sounds to me like Rose and Chuck Lorre are - Booyah!  Now go get yourself some new teeth, stay away from those Goddesses and chill out, dude...it's over.

Image Via www.accesshollywood.com

Brooke Mueller - It was a Pot Pipe!

Oh good!  Because it seemed like it was a crack pipe...phew!  Pfft! 

Mother of the year, Brooke Mueller, was seen a while back looking like a homeless person, carrying what appeared to be a crack pipe.  But TMZ is reporting that, "Brooke is saying she doesn't use the pipe to smoke cocaine -- she claims it was only pot and it's perfectly legal, because she has a marijuana prescription for anxiety."

Anxiety?  Is she anxious about when she's getting her next fix???

TMZ goes on to say that, "Mueller admits she's been on and off cocaine, telling friends, every few months she falls off the wagon and uses cocaine -- not crack -- but she also insists she hasn't been using for months.  Brooke says when she binges it usually lasts only around 12 hours, and then she snaps back into reality -- sometimes with the help of a little rehab."

A little rehab?  Um, maybe she needs a more than a little???

Also Brooke says "...there's no need for the L.A. County Department of Children and Family Services to get involved in her life, because she's an involved parent and her kids are fine."

Yeah, involved in smoking drugs!  WTF?  I'm not saying give them twins to Charlie (he seems a little unstable lol) but mayhaps the little guys should not be around mommy dearest until she's completely clean...

Image Via www.sheknows.com 

Bree Olson Tells Playboy - Charlie Sheen is a Fricken "Rock Star" in Bed

Bree Olson AKA one of Charlie Sheen's former Goddesses gave a pretty candid interview to Playboy where she talked about her life with the "Vatican Warlock Assassin" himself.

According to the porn star Chuckie boy called her up one day randomly and asked her if she'd be interested in being a concubine a "meet and greet" at Sober Valley Ranch.  Sooner than later Olson moved in with Sheen and that other Goddess, Natalie Kenly.

Awww!  A tale of becoming a goddess so beautiful I may just light some candles, pet my cat, listen to some Boyz II Men and weep later.

Bree says, "He's good in bed. I mean, he's had a lot of practice. He's just a rock star. He's a powerhouse. He's a very sensual and sexual person, and when I was with him I felt as if we became one together, because he's just so enticing sexually."

Yeah, missing teeth turn me on like a mofo! 

On lesbo-ing out with Natalie she said, "That was a lie. I didn't really even know her. Okay, all three of us got together, I think, twice. They did their thing together, and Charlie and I did our thing together. And we had two different beds. She and I would go to whichever bed, and he would pick. You know, where am I sleeping tonight?"

Where am I sleeping tonight???  Yeesh, not as glamorous to be a Goddess as I thought!  Maybe they should've used a different word than Goddess...maybe ho?

So, what's a Goddess to do without her God???  Why act of course!

Olson has decided to retire from porn to take a shot at Hollywood, because (according to her) SHE'S the one winning now.

All a bunch of losers if you ask me...but Sheen was effin' badass in Ferris Bueller.

Image Via www.emmerdale.me.uk

Charlie Sheen's New Show is Based on Movie Anger Management

Yawn.

Gotta say, getting a little sick of Charlie...

But for those of you who are still watching this shit show with bated breath for the biggest comeback since Robert Downey Jr....  Keep waiting.

His newest project is a show (not picked up yet) based on Jack Nicholson's crappiest movie, Anger Management, where he will be generally playing Jack's character.  TMZ says that, "His character will be an ex-jock who got his master's degree in social work during the offseason.  He becomes a counselor to defendants in the criminal justice system with anger management problems.  But, of course, Charlie's character will have anger issues of his own."  Lol, got his degree in the off-season???  Bitch please!

Oh, and sidebar...what the GD hell is going on with Major League 3?  Push that shit out, man!  I wanna sing Wild Thing again in a theatre of my peers...

Anywho, if I wasn't dumb enough to buy a ticket to watch him melt down live on stage I'm prob not going to watch him in a show based on a movie that sucked balls.     

And now that he's all Goddessless, I don't know, he just seems WAY less cool.

Image Via www.charliesheenquotes.net

Charlie Sheen Has No Goddesses But May Have a New Show For More Money

And that's what you call makin' a motherfucking comeback, bitches!

After the last of his goddesses left Brokedown Palace Sober Valley Ranch, Charlie was sad for about five seconds before something new and shiny distracted him from his heartfelt pain.  What was it? 

A NEW SITCOM!  Pfft!  For even more money than he was making at Two and a Half Men!  (Not in his salary but in a bigger/better back end deal.)  

RadarOnline is reporting that the MaSheen has gone and got himself a new show after his less-than-one-inch-from-death binge and departure from television.  Lionsgate Entertainment has supposedly bought 10 eps with the option to pick up 90 more dependent on ratings.  Frankly, RadarOnline has become a bit of a shit show lately with a lot of their crap not checking out so I'm going to go with...no he didn't...never happened.

Why am I shitting in his Cornflakes, you may wonder?

Two words, tiger blood loose cannon.  No one wants to insure an unstable dude who keeps driving his cars off the fucking cliffs on Mulholland, that's just bad business.

Image Via www.okmagazine.com

Russell Peters on Touring with Charlie Sheen

Russell Peters is the shit!  He's up there with Chris Rock, Bill Maher and George Carlin (RIP frowny face) as far as I'm concerned...yeah, fuck Celine Dion!  This guy's Canada's National Treasure!

Lately, Peters has been in the news for touring on Charlie's Violent Troll Killing tour or whatever and interviewing the warlock onstage during some of his shows.  Here's what Peters said about the experience:

"The first night was like pulling teeth and I even told him when we got off, I go: 'Dude, you're killing me up there. You're not giving me anything.' And he goes, 'Yeah, I'm sorry man, I'm just tired.'  "And I go: 'All right, whatever, but you know, if you want these shows to go well, you're going to have to help me a little bit there, kid ... a brown man is drowning up there.' The second night was much better."

Peters even got to chill out with the vatican assassin afterwards at a downtown club but was not treated to any sort of drinking, coke-fueled, porn star fucking binge - instead he says, "He just sat down and drank Red Bull. I'm like, 'This is not really the Charlie Sheen party experience I was hoping for."

Bottom line is he likes Charlie, "Charlie's a great dude and I'm only saying that because the version of him I met was great. I mean, I never met the crackhead Charlie Sheen. I'm sure I wouldn't like that guy, you know what I mean?  But the version of Charlie I met, he was really sweet, generous, cool, fun, nice, smart, intelligent, so I had no problem with good old Charlie there."

Peters went on to say, "I ... was hoping to come out of it with some great, crazy Charlie Sheen stories and I got nothin'."

Maybe Charlie is getting his shit together now that Kelso took over his show.  Would've made for some mad good stand-up for Peters if he had experienced a bender with the King of Fuckery but hey, he's got a damn fine show anyway...Hell, around my crib we quote his Dance, Dance, Revolution bit (see video) ALL THE TIME.



Image Via www.guttersnipenews.com

Charlie Sheen's House is For Sale

Okay I think it's pretty safe to say this dude is officially losing! 

After losing his show, a goddess, a dog and his mind all in the span on a few months, the Vatican Warlock Assassin has decided to sell his Bev Hills home aka Sober Valley Ranch.  The 7,924 square foot estate is being sold for a cool $7.2 million as a "Celebrity Home" and has 5 bedrooms and 7 bathrooms.

The house includes many amenities for the current home buyer...

There is the room where he didn't feed his malnourished dog, the Goddess area - where you can keep your porn stars, the office where he famously broke down on UStream and lost his shit live, and the kitchen where he was delivered his infamous briefcase full of coke!

If you do buy the house may I suggest a deep clean because who the fuck knows what the Hell was going on in that crib!  Just don't use Arnold's horny maid (*whispering* I think she may be a little off.) 

Image Via www.khmx.radio.com

Charlie Sheen Out - Ashton Kutcher In

Who's winning now, bitch?!?

After publicly committing career suicide and going on a Goddess-involved, pug killing, Ustreaming bender of sorts looks like Charlie is definitely NOT getting back on the hit show he once starred on.

They're moving on you mofo! 

The studio just announced the re-cast.  Ashton Kutcher is supposedly in as the new lead on Two and a Half Men while Charlie continues on his tour of truth or trolls or winning or whatever.  And supposedly there is a HUGE ASS payday involved.  Not as much as Sheen raked in as the top dog on TV but about half of that which is enough to keep Demi in herbal body wraps for fucking ever anyway.

I don't watch anything on TV that doesn't have a Trump in it or the word Housewives in the title so I don't know too much about the program. 

Best of luck, Kelso! 

Image Via www.cwhrealestate.com

Charlie's Women Problems - Brooke Mueller is Stoned Again AND One of Charlie's Goddesses Left

TMZ is reporting that Brooke Mueller is back on the drugs and back in rehab - and you all thought she was the less-crazy one...

They say the famous ex-wife was checked in after a "crazy week of binging."  Oh oh!  What is with these guys?  Do they realize that you can do drugs in a non-binging manner?  You don't have to take them all at once, man!  Sheen is allegedly seeking custody of the twins now.

In more sad news, TMZ is also reporting today that one of Charlie's Goddesses left.  Bree Olson (Goddess #1 - the saucy asshole on the left in the above pic) has peaced out on the warlock.

Sources told the website "...the gang was in Toronto on Saturday morning, where Sheen had performed the night before, when Olson decided she couldn't hang with Charlie anymore ... and split."

Awwww...she split.  Sad.  For those of you who care, #2 Natalie Kenly is still with the MaSheen on his quest for world domination.

Image Via www.abcnews.go.com

Real Life Warlock Forgives Charlie Sheen

Well, I'm certainly sure he will sleep better knowing that!  Pffft - yeah on his piles of money, Goddess porn stars and Crackhead Charlie sex dolls...Gimme a break!

For anyone who reads TMZ, you've prob seen this doucher who is an "actual, practicing warlock from 'Salem's Coven of the Raven Moon' in Salem, Mass."  Whatevs - I just lump him in with those LARPer crapbags and I suggest you do the same.

Well, at first this Christian Day dude (the warlock) was all hatin' on Charlie because he was "fuming" over his Warlock statement ("Vatican assassin warlock" for those who have forgotten) because he thinks it is a "blatant offense against our ways."  He even threatened to retaliate using magic (lol) on Chuckie!  Trix are for kids, idiot.

And the Warlock ways?  WTF are those?  I typed 'er into my good, old know-it-all buddy Wikipedia's search box but it returned bupkis...well, aside from some random Sims 2 tips which would've came in handy if it were two thousand and goddamn four...but I digress.

Christian then went on the news (not the real news mind you - Fox news) and performed a "Magical Intervention."  How stupid is that?  As a matter of fact stop reading now and watch the video below before you go on.  This guy gets a bunch of other LARPers and has a damn sceance-looking-thing complete with a bunch of chachkis he got from upstairs at his mom's house (see that's assuming he lives in her basement which I think we can all assume he does).



Well now, TMZ is reporting that he has forgiven Charlie!  Glory be!

Says the dark one, "I appreciated that he said in Chicago ... and Boston, that he is not a warlock and looks at it as a fun thing. I would still prefer he didn't use the word, but at least he's getting the hint that maybe he's being a twit.  All in all, I think my experience with Mr. Sheen is done. He may still be using the word warlock, but at least he's being clear that he's really not one."  Yeah okay...too many jokes...can't process...And scene!  Jazz hands!

Video Via MyFox Boston
Image Via www.kfat929.com

Charlie Sheen Sex Doll - All Sold Out!

Duh - winn...oh I'm not even going to say it - why bother?  Check this out, this is priceless!

So, apparently The MaSheen has a sex doll based on his likeness named, get this...Crackhead Charlie the Winning Love Doll...and apparently it has sold out!  Pfft - just like Charlie I guess.

The head honcho over at Pipedream (the raunchy company that makes these suckers) said, “The Crackhead Charlie doll sold out in one day, the same day we released it. We could have sold more dolls if we had more in stock but they are sold out right now."  Bummer! 

The product description is, “You don’t have to be a slutty porn goddess to party with this radical rockstar from Mars! Just add air and this neurotic nutjob will show you his two and half personalities, warlock, fangs, fire-breathing fists and Adonis DNA. Don’t be a foolish little troll, experience the bitchin’ drug they call Charlie and let him rock your world!”

How effin funny is that?  Shit - put that on my tombstone because I have never read anything so GD funny in my entire life and I want people to be happy when I'm gone...Don't be a foolish little troll?  That's gold!  Shoot, I'll be chuckling at that all day...

But I digress - the damn thing is made of latex and you fill it with helium and bang it I guess...oh and it looks like it sounds, a stoned-ass-looking, tiger Warlock from Mars named Charlie Sheen (in his trademark 2 1/2 Men outfit no less!).  So if you sickies want one you're going to have to wait!  Unless you already ordered one, in that case you should immediately get off the computer and go get your life together ASAP.  Mmkay?

Image Via www.hollywoodoncrack.net

Charlie Sheen Had Other Animals Die in His Care!

Motherfucker!  And to think I wanted to be his intern!

What is with this guy?  If you have an animal - you take care of it!  I don't care what type of Tiger blood you have...

On the brink of pug-gate, a source close to Charlie is now saying that two pet lizards have also died in the lackluster care of the Masheen.  Damn bitch!  Feed yo' animals!

The source said:

"His Chinese water dragon died because he didn't take care of it and a while back, when he was married to Brooke, his bearded dragon fell in the pool and died. Again nobody was watching the poor thing."

Sonofabitch!  First the pugs were all malnourished and now effin' bearded dragons are drowning in pools!?!  Presumably semen-heavy pools!?!  Gnarly dude, I'm tellin' ya, get those Godesses to chip in with the animal care...they have a lot of free time on their hands. 

Image Via www.saraegoodman.blogspot.com

Don't Heckle the Warlock!

Charlie Sheen's death march shows are going much better these days and it may or may not just be because he switched things up and stopped calling his audience assholes. 

There was a new "No Heckling" sign in Radio City Music Hall (pictured above) saying that "Hecklers will be removed from the show."  Whaaa?  Is this America or what?  Aren't they allowed to heckle and make fun of whatever the Hell they want???   

Not in the warlock universe it would seem...so everyone should just sit there and shut the Hell up because the Adonis-DNA having mofo that is Charlie Sheen will not tolerate opinions that are not his!

And in Chuckie's opinion - he 'effin rules!

Image Via www.cbsnews.com

Betty White Verbally Spanks Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan

Oh Betty White!  You crazy!

Betty got her bitch on telling the Daily Mail yesterday that “I cannot stand the people who get wonderful starts in show business and who abuse it. Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen for example...They party too much, don’t learn their lines, are unprofessional, and they grumble about everything. I think they are terribly ungrateful.”

Sing it sista!  I have to admit - it's a piss off to watch stars just throw it all away...

Betty also said about her back-in-the-day counterparts, "We considered ourselves lucky ... and were always on our best behavior in public."

True dat!  You guys think Betty would be out their snortin' coke at XIV in front of God and everyone?  Or trippin' out of a car without her coochie covered up appropriately?  Hells no!

Back then celebs had respect for themselves and in turn we had respect for them...now it's just a poor man's Hollywood...drowning itself in tabloid fodder and mediocre talent.

UPDATE:  Oh snap!  Lindsay has just replied to the lovely Betty's comments and has said, "I've always been a fan of hers.  It's just a bit strange when people feel they must speak publicly about others. Especially a grown woman."  Where's the love ladies???  I am so tired of this rich white woman on rich white woman hatred!  Lol.  I smell a Twitter feud a brewin'!


Image Via www.dailykos.com

Charlie Sheen Bombs at First Show

Duh!  Losing!

I don't even know why fools would buy tickets to see this paranoid, dog-killing mofo anyway!  What did you think he was going to do?  Jerk off on stage?  The guy has his moments sometimes and we all laugh at him but he's no stand-up...or a singer...or even a live entertainer...

Guy's an actor - a pretty dope one at that - but just an actor.

He was pretty much booed off stage by his Warlock underlings who shelled out between $49 to $84 bucks for the shitshow without even knowing what they were paying for.  What a sham shame!

Tickets are sold out for many of the performances and for those of you that he suckered into buying a ticket - I feel bad for you.  Sheen supposedly even left the stage for a musical break to allow the audience to "wake up" and never came back!  He had reinforcements in Simon Rex - that douchebag that was on that stupid Paris Hilton's My Best Friend show - who came out to "rap" briefly but was booed as well.

TMZ has some video - see it here.  Yikes - not looking good for the rest of the tour - but we all kind of new this was bullshit to begin with didn't we?

Didn't we?

Image Via www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk

Charlie Sheen's Pug Dies of Malnourishment - Denise Steps In

Here's the deal, King of the Warlocks Charlie Sheen had custody of a few pugs he bought with Denise Richards for their kids and everything was just going great until a while ago when Denise started getting calls saying that the pugs were malnourished and neglected.  She went to get the dogs and Charlie handed them over.

Well, one of the poor, little guys ended up dying of malnutrition.  Frowny face!  Thankfully the other one is okay.

So I don't know what really happened here but Charlie apparently had a change of heart and wanted the pug back (sources say he needs the dog to be a mascot on his tour of death or tour of torpedoes up his ass or whatever that tour is he's doing).

Charlie even put down his glass of Tigerblood and tweeted "We must bombard with Warlock Napalm, that traitor and loser whore #DUH -neese POOR-ARD. A VILE KIDNAPPER AND NOW DOG THIEF.  HATE."

Bombard with Warlock Napalm???  Who the Hell even knows what that means?  Man, I used to love me some Charlie Sheen but he's turning out to be a real money-hungry asshole!  FEED YOUR DOGS!  Or at least effin' hire someone to!  WTF do the Goddesses do all day?  Fuck dude, get them to feed the damn dogs, they don't seem all that busy. 

Image Via www.justusgirlzshow.com