I managed to get my grubby little hands on the new full ep of
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (next week's episode) early from some Aussie dude and it is soooo good! This is a recap so don't read anymore if you don't want to know what happens next week...your ass has been warned! If you bitch at me on Twitter about it Imma block ya...and shit talk ya...and possibly report you for spam...Just jokes. Let's roll!
It starts out with Kim being all cray cray and bossing that psychopath Ken around to get her soft drinks and other stupid shit while she's in the makeup chair (it's the big opening of Sur tonight!) Kim jaws about how Kyle did her dirty by asking her why she missed her flight more than once...LOL - Kim is a trip! Why the hell can't Kyle and that sexy bitch Mauricio ask her about why she was late to Hawaii? It's not like she was 45 mins late - bitch was like 36 hours late!!! That's fucking days! DAYS!!!
Cut to Lisa's new lounge, Sur. The opening is already bumpin' and their are TONS of fake boobs and bad botox jobs rippin' around drunk already. Brandi seems a little perturbed though - what could be bothering the superawesome Brandi you ask? Well, turns out the Vanderpumps have a waitress who works for them named Scheana - she just happens to be a girlfriend Eddie Cibrian was dating when Brandi was still married to him. She (along with the lovely Brandi) was who he left for that asshat Leann Rimes.
What the fuck is that? That hobag had a girlfriend AND a wife who he left for bikini-enthusiast Leann? Did NOT know that! Crazy!
Anyways, Lisa's a class act so she tells Scheana (who spells it like that?) to peace out because she's
a ho making Brandi uncomfortable and she leaves. Then we go back to Kim and creepy Ken.
Ken is PICKING OUT KIM'S CLOTHES! Red flag, man! Controlling dickhead red flag!
In interview, Kim says he likes to know what she's wearing and where she is at all times...she also says that if she doesn't pick up her phone, "It's a problem." The hell? What happens if she's in the bathroom or something? (She's ALWAYS in the bathroom.) She takes a handful of meds (on camera? WTF dude?) and they head out.
Cut back to Sur and...enter Cedric! Fucking
I hate you AND your kids CEDRIC!!!
Lisa asks him what he's doing there and the mofo says he's just there to congratulate her, tell her how nice it is to see her and how much he still loves her. Um - newsflash dickhead - Lisa don't love you no mo'. Get it? NO MO' LOVE AND MONEY AND AWESOME POOL LOUNGING FOR YOU! She wants to know who the hell invited him but before anyone can say anything, Brandi gets all
I didn't do it and Ken (good Ken not weirdo Ken) comes to his wife's rescue and kicks Cedric's mooching ass out. They even clip back to the reunion for effect - natch.
He finally leaves after trying to shake Ken's hand (Ken's all
Aw Hells naw, brah! and doesn't) with some trashy looking blonde chick he came with.
Oh shiz! Now we're on to
Shana Taylor and her shrink Dr. Sophy...dude comes to her house and she cries (she always cries - I don't think I've seen her in a scene this season not crying) while showing the Doc Kennedy's reward chart (?). It's a little confusing...They talk about how she needs to be strong
blah blah psychobabble blah and he reassures her that going to Sur is a good idea. Just a question here but do shrinks in Beverly Hills usually escort their patients to parties? Is that a thing? Because it seems like some bo'shit to me.
Back at the opening - Adrienne is showing Lisa Paul's ex-girlfriend who is also at Sur that night. What the fuck? Everyone's at this damn opening lol. Adrienne is a together lady though so no drama there...good girl! She never acts a damn fool - it's refreshing.
Now we see Kim and crazy Ken are on their late-ass way to Sur in a dirty limo where Kim grabs what looks to be a baggie of drugs and a bunch of garbage in a napkin from behind her seat - not sure what's going on there! Whatever! Cut to interview where Kim says that she's a Virgo so she's late as shit and gets anxiety a lot (by the way she's drinking the whole ride...) she says she doesn't want to see Kyle and Ken just placates her the whole damn way. She seems pretty licked...
When they get to the opening, Kyle greets Kim and gets pretty upset - I assume partly because of the fight in Hawaii and partly because of the fact that she's all fucked up again. Crazy Ken does some controlling mind game shit on Kim, telling her to stay with him, but she flutters around like a drunken fool anyways until she comes to Adrienne. Ah, the voice of reason...
Adrienne questions her gaunt appearance and general wobbliness and Kim explains she's off balance due to lack of sleep assuring her she has NOT been drinking. Whatever - I saw that crazy bitch chuggin' hooch in the dirty limo about 5 fucking seconds ago (not to mention the shitload of pills she downed when they left their hotel.) Adrienne is pretty concerned so she takes Kim to the john where they can talk in private.
Kim divulges that crazy Ken has a "very mean side" and asks her stuff like, "Who the fuck are you on the phone with?" when she's talking to one of her uber-blond kids and then calls her a "fucking liar" when she hangs up.
What?
Adrienne must've been thinking the same damn WTF thing as me because she goes and gets Kyle, telling her something is off with Kim. Yeah, something's off all right! They head to the other room much to controlling Ken's dismay where Kim tells her it's not working. She says that crazy Ken makes her cry every day by making fun of her. Aw! That's kind of sad. :( Kim wants to leave him and move out but doesn't want to be alone.
She also tells Kyle here that she was up all night fighting with cuckoo Ken the day before Hawaii and that's why she missed the flight. 'Scuse me, flights (and a boat...and a bus). She missed a few things. Not sure if I believe her here - I feel like she lies a lot - not maliciously, more like habitually.
Back in the main room crazy Ken is asking Brandi what she said about him in Hawaii. She tells him she called him a gay bull mastiff (lol) and laughs her awesome ass off. He doesn't seem too impressed but screw him - guy's just such a creepy motherfucker.
Cut to the crying sisters. Kim braces Kyle for some news and guess what??? Kim tells Kyle she's 3 months late!!! She could be knocked up! By crazy Ken! Who tells her to fuck off all the time! ACK!
Enter
Shana Taylor and her shrink/escort/date. Lisa asks her about a faint black eye and before
Shana Taylor comments on her eye she tells them she wants to talk to all of them together. Basically, she tells them she's sorry about freaking out 90% of the season and blames the dissolution of her marriage and the shittiness of her hubby.
Oh and BTW - During this time Kim's back in the bathroom and crazy Ken is banging on the door like an asshole bothering Kim and asking if he can come in. Naw dude, you can't come in! LOL She's in the shitter, yo! Slow your roll and go get a fucking drink. Kim just keeps screaming through the door for him to leave her alone - it's kind of messed up. Sucks to be the chick from
Celebrity Rehab and Mauricio's ma - they're stuck watching and waiting and by the looks of it the seal's been broken, if you catch my drift.
Back to the ladies, at the table the shrink/escort prompts
Shana Taylor to tell her story to the girls and she says that a few weeks prior Russell smacked the hell out of her (hence the black eye - yikes) and that was when she decided to leave him for good. There's a big apology/cry fest and la di da - they're all friends again at the end.
It ends with Kim finally coming out of the john LOL.
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