Shit I Missed - Playing Blog Catch Up

I've been out of commish for a few months so Imma go ahead and give y'all a recap before I throw down any new posts.  I call this...*drumroll*...Shit I Missed.

Holding for applause...

Part One - Stupid People Do Stupid Things

So Justin Bieber is like this close to being shipped back to Canada where he'll be sipping on some mad Tim Horton's because it's colder than Lindsay's film career up in this bitch.  He's in hot water for a number of charges ranging from egging his neighbor's house (causing 20k in damage) to smacking a limo driver in Toronto.  JB seems to be trying his best to be a bad boy alas all his wannabe thug act has yielded him is a stupid looking mug shot, an arrest record and a bunch of late night chuckles.  Here's a tip JB - you can't be a badass is you've ever sang a song called Baby Baby Baby to a bunch of screaming tweens and/or came from Stratford which PS is like a breathtakingly scenic cultural wonderland of a town to grow up in.  For realz, I grew up near there, they hold friggin' Shakespeare festivals there and shit.

Miley Cyrus still has low ass self esteem or something and is still insisting on trying to show everyone her lady bits.  Though I do think she's one of the better singers out there (in shitty pop music that is) her talent is constantly obliterated by suggestive titty shots and naked wrecking ball rides.  Poor Miley was possibly poised to follow in Adele and Pink's footsteps but instead has chosen the quick fame route - now she's less likely to have a lasting career but more likely to be spit out the bottom of the porn barrel by her 30s.  Possible porn title...He Came in Me Like a Wrecking Ball.  No one steal that!  Patent pending, bitches.

Speaking of porn...

Part Two - Reality is Stranger than Fiction

In Teen Mom news...Apparently, Farrah Abraham is depressed.  Aw!  Muffin!  This chick doesn't let too many opps to be in the spotlight pass her on by so when her "celebrity" started waning she started talking!  First off, Farrah wants everyone to know she is not in porn...she has never made a porn...and she hates that industry.  Um...YOU WERE IN A PORN!  An anal porn!  That's like supaporn!  Nevertheless, it "disgusts her" that y'all think she was in a porn just because she was in a porn.  Assholes.  ;)

She's also opening up about her parents and childhood once again and says that she was abused growing up.  The non-porn porn star is flying solo on Couples Therapy (I know that doesn't make sense) where she says that her parents (who I'll admit are no treat) called her a bitch and a whore when she was younger.  Farrah claims that's why she doesn't know what real love is.  In all honesty, she's a little too cuckoo machoo to snark on...I feel like this chick may have some brain pain issues so Imma lay off her for a bit.  I hope she nabs some real help...off the television.  Stay away, Dr. Drew!      

Jenelle Evans is the only other Teen Mom people seem to like to know the 411 on.  Well!  This girl is a plethora of fuckery!  If y'all are into the show, after three engagements, one quickie marriage, two or three miscarriages/abortions and umpteen arrests, Jenelle is back and is with that stupid mouthbreather Nathan now.  She had been married to some idiot Courtland but all that poor 'Alnost Fanous' sumbitch got was a quick shout out in the beginning of the premiere and a jail stint for heroin (I'm assuming MTV didn't want to show yet another JE mantastrophe on the show.)  In real time, JE and Nathan are pregnant and keeping it.  But!  In traditional Jenelle dramatics...They both have pending charges, Nathan is currently facing jail time for a DUI and neither have any legal custody of their previous children.

Awesome.  

Part Three - Krumbling Kardashians

Once back in the day, when I was watching this idiot show on a Sunday (I like Lord Disick, what can I say?) PimpMama Kris likened her thirsty ass family to the Kennedys.  THE KENNEDYS!  Fucking Camelot and shit, yo!  You ain't no Jackie O, bitch!  At best you're Ethel and she kind of sucked.

I just threw some Ethel shade.  Feels good to be back...

Anywho, that's the moment I knew it was over...that was the Beatles 'bigger than Jesus' moment, the opposite of the Snooki getting punched moment, the moment when the Real World's Dustin admitted he was gay for pay...

And it's all been down fucking hill since.

The 'unbreakable' *rolling eyes* Khloe and Lamar broke.  She filed for divorce because he's on drugs blah blah blah cheating blah.  They both hold blame.  She was SO desperado!  In one ep she called the place he was working and told them that her Lam Lam needed to eat his lunch on time or he'd get grumpy.  Khloe wasn't a wife, she treated him like Kris treated Bruce, like a mean mommy...and no one wants to fuck mean mommy.

Now the following is ALLLLL allegedly....please place mental allegedlys in front of any sentence I write from now on.

Bruce Jenner is becoming a woman.

He grew his hair and nails long and also decreased the size of his adam's apple so he would look more feminine.

Bruce's sons Brody (Rawr!) and Brandon say that Kris is to blame because she messes with his head.

Kanye West likes fish sticks and Kim Kardashian can't read.

Fin.

Image Via www.abcnews.com

This Just-in Beaver Sex Doll is Funny as Heeeell!

Sex toy manufacturer Pipedream has done gone and made a Justin Bieber blow up doll for all you sexy bitches who want to grind up against an anatomically correct version of the teen stud and I have to say, the box is fucking priceless!  I'm not into this sort of shit (no judgement) but I do appreciate a good play on words and Just-In Beaver is off the hook!

The company boasts > Meet Just-In Beaver, the barely legal boy-toy who's waited 18 long years to stick his lil' dicky in something sticky! When he's not busy beating up paparazzi or beating off, he's up to his high-tops in hot Hollywood tail! But the Beave-ster doesn't have this effect just on women - he turns straight men gay faster than you can peel his skinny jeans off! So what are you waiting for, inflate this lil' pricks's ego even more and have your very own Beaver bash!

Hahaha!  Brillz!

This sucker is unofficial though so get 'em well you can!

Image Via www.gawker.com

Justin Bieber's New Video "As Long as You Love Me" Has Michael Madsen in It

Bieber's new video is out and the best thing I can say about it is that Michael Madsen is in it.  However, I'm not going to dooo what everyone thinks I'm going to dooo and make fun of the little nugget because, believe it or not, I find the kid pretty faultless.

Dude donates time and money to charity, rescues animals and distracts little girls from wanting to be poopy Kardashians/Snookis if only for the brief romantic length of a pop song.  I don't listen to the shit so what the hell do I care?  Long as he's a good guy...

Works for me!

Here ya go >



Image Via www.youtube.com

This Chick Wants $9.23 Million Because a Bieber Concert "Ruined" her Hearing

Bitch, please!

Two years ago, Stacey Wilson-Betts took her daughter to see Justin Bieber in Portland.  She alleges that during that concert it was so loud in the arena that she suffered permanent damage to her hearing.

Um...

Stacey claims Bieber made the already bad situation worse by coming out on a gondola for a song.  She says that the gondola worked as a "sound conductor" which created a boom, damaging her ears.

Good.  Than she won't be able to hear everyone call her an idiot...

She wants a whoppin' $9.23 million for hearing Baby, Baby, Baby too loud.

Out of the millions of people who have seen Justin sing she appears to be the only one EVER to hurt her stupid ears permanently.

That shit's gonna hurt her case...I'm no legal eagle but I dooo watch A LOT of cop shows.

Here's a clip of the concert >



Image Viawww.thehollywoodgossip.com

Justin Bieber Threw Down With a Pap

Yesterday afternoon, Justin Bieber got into it with a pap and now the coppers are launching an investigation naming him as a suspect!

Ack!  We're peacekeepers up in Canada!!!  What has L.A. done to our little girl boy!?!

Allegedly, he was trying to get his mall on with that sassy little minx Selena Gomez when a pap tried to take his pic.  He may or may not have been blocking Justin's car as well (witnesses corroborate that he was) - either way - the pap says that JB got all thug life on him and now his chest hurts and he can't stalk celebs anymore...

Aw!

Justin and Selena took off before the cops arrived.

After the scuffle, Gloria Allred an ambulance chaser approached the pap and told him to file the report (witnesses also corroborate this) so that he could "get a lot of money out of the incident."

JB ain't commenting to the media but the cops are looking for their own comment (in the form of a statement) and he should prob just tell them what went down because his ass is pretty easy to find I imagine.

TMZ nabbed a pic of the ordeal (below.)

www.tmz.com

So - I only have two questions >

One - What in the goddamn hell are those pants about that he is wearing?  and Two - Where the fuck is Justin's other shoe???

Image Via www.celebritynewsandstyle.ca

Justin Bieber May Retake Paternity Test

I swear I have no idea what this stupid stunt queen was thinking when she pulled this baby mama gar-baaajjjj.  Hasn't she ever heard of Maury Povich?  They have tests for this shit! 

Chick has balls though, I'll give her that...even if they are incredibly stupid balls that may have ruined her life at the age of 20...

Anywho, Mariah Yeater continues to be a pain in the ass for the Biebs, demanding that he retake the paternity test he already submitted.  Her and her stupid lawyer say that when he took the first one, no members of Yeater's side were present and therefore he could've fucked with the test. (Yeah right.)

I don't know why the hell that would matter though, since HE NEVER MET THE CHICK!  Let alone gave her the 30 seconds of Bieber fever in the shitter at the Staples Center like she claims he did.   It's like anyone can say anything these days and it doesn't matter - hey guys, I just banged Ryan Reynolds!!!  He said I was the best he ever had!  YAY ME!!!  Hazzah!

Justin's lawyer isn't responding but has said that Yeater is stalling on swabbing her baby's cheek -

Um, prob because as soon as she does he's going to sue her dumb ass for being a liar!  JB also said he'd go after the lawyer so I don't know what the hell he's thinking going along with Yeater.

Team Justin.  I fucking hate liars.

Image Via www.celebuzz.com 

Justin Bieber's Paternity Suit - DROPPED!

For some reason she was lying Mariah Yeats is now dropping her world famous lawsuit against the Biebs...it's over.  The suit was quietly dismissed late last week. 

Her lawyers (obvious idiots Lance Rogers and Matt Pare) have quit her sorry ass and withdrawn from the case so she will not pursue the paternity.

What the hell is going on?!?! 

Methinks when Justin threatened to sue Yeater and her lawyers for making the bullshit claim they decided they better stop the crazy train ASAP.

Stupid stunt queen.

Image Via www.blog.zap2it.com

Maury Povich Invites Justin Bieber to Take Paternity Test on Show

I fucking knew it!!!  Man!  I need to start betting on more shit!  If I had a buck for every time I called a celeb a douchebag and it turned out that they actually were one, I'd be rollin' in it.  And if NWA is to be believed than apparently, 'Life ain't nothin' but bitches and money' and I don't want no bitches so the money would be nice...

But anyways...  

So basically, I've just been sittin' here, waitin' around...wondering when in the god damn hell Maury was going to do his job - NAY his civic duty - and get this kid to take a pat test on his paternity-test-obsessed show.   Well, I can stop wondering now and go back to harassing my cat, The Judge (shout out BooBoo!), because...

Perezitos.com is reporting that the talk show LEGEND has "...reached out to Beibs and invited him to and his accuser, Mariah Yeater, to come on his show...a spokesperson for the show says "We are actively pursuing this story."  A former executive producer for the show says, "Maury is trusted by millions of viewers and if Maury told Justin 'You are not the father,' everyone would believe it."

Well, that and the negative paternity test but whatevs...I trust Maury though...I work from home so I get down with a little trash TV during the day.  He sometimes loses out to Springer but mostly interferes with my reruns of Housewives on Reality Channel so I rarely check him out but when I do, he seems to know what he's doing.

DO IT BIEBER!

Or don't...what the hell do I care? 

Image Via www.twirlit.com

Justin Bieber's Alleged Baby - FIRST PICTURE

Here's a pic of that damn stunt queen, Mariah Yeater, who keeps saying that superstar Justin Bieber impregnated her with his tiny underage penis.  That baby in the picture is the supposed love child they made when they did it in the shitter behind the stage at the Staples Center.

This is getting ridiculous...

Yeater claimed her ex-boyfriend was the father at first but quickly changed her tune now claiming Bieber is the baby daddy.  He is set to take a paternity test to disprove he ever touched the bitch and then he says he'll sue her for being a stupid liar.

Hang in there, Selena!!!  We love you, boo!  (Well except for those crazy Beliebers who threaten to kill you and shit on Twitter - what's with that, eh?)

Image Via www.theinsider.com

Justin Bieber to Take Paternity Test and Then Sue Stunt Queen Liar

After saying that he wouldn't sue the stupid stunt queen who cried baby on him when he was yakkin' on the Today Show Justin Bieber has changed his little, hair whipping mind.

The Biebs WILL take a DNA test in 2 weeks (when he gets back to the US) to prove he is Not The Father not Mariah Yeater's baby daddy.  Then he's taking her teen mom ass to court!

ZING!

Justin's lawyer called Yeater's attorneys Friday and let them know Bieber is down with taking the test.  In fact, they've already found a lab.  Bieber power!

Once he schools her ass with a negative test Justin will sue.

Yeater's lawyers are apparently quite "nervous" and went AWOL yesterday presumably in hiding from all the Beliebers and their misplaced tween rage.

Justin says it's important to file a lawsuit against Yeater to show there are consequences when somebody trumps up phony, hurtful allegations against a celebrity.  AMEN!

Fucking stunt queens.

Image Via www.myspace.com

Justin Bieber's Baby Mama Drama

I don't know about all this!

So, some lying chick (Mariah Yeater) is claiming she was knocked up by Justin Bieber and his tiny penis at the Staples Center in LA after a concert.  HAHAHAHAHAHA!

What a dumb bitch!  Watch some Maury Povich, stupid!

Yeater said (in a hand-signed affidavit), "...that Bieber propositioned her on October 25 of last year, when she was 19. The pair had a sexual tryst after his concert and backstage at L.A.'s Staples Center."

So now she apparently wants millions to take care of his Baby, Baby, Baby love child.  He of course denies everything and says he doesn't even know the broad.  His camp said this, "While we haven't yet seen the lawsuit, it's sad that someone would fabricate malicious, defamatory and demonstrably false claims.  We will vigorously pursue all available legal remedies to defend and protect Justin against these allegations."

I'm on team Bieber!  And poor Selena!  She must be so sad!  I should go check out what she's tweeting!   

Stay strong girls!

Image Via www.jannan-justinbieber.blogspot.com

Video of the Day! 3-Year-Old Rags on Bieber's Short Hair

This kid has some nerve trash talking a phenom who's worth trillions of dollars and banging Selena Gomez.

But I suppose he's only 3.  One day - he'll get it.



Image Via www.hji.co.uk

Nekkid Justin Bieber/Selena Gomez Statue Revealed

Ewwwww!

Daniel Edwards, the artist responsible for sculpting masterpieces such as Suri's First Poo Poo and Britney Giving Birth to a Ho Ho has gone and done it again...

Art + Celebrity = $ Scandalous! 

Dude up and decided that it would be high time to make a brass sculpture depicting a Justin Bieber/Selena Gomez hybrid of nekkidness that will live through the ages...

Seriously, aliens will fucking come down to Earth (once we kill the planet) and see this shit and think these twats were our Gods!

Are you guys okay with that?  Because I sure as fuck am not!

Not to mention, Bieber is like 12 years goddamn old (just kidding but he IS underage) -

What do you guys think of this filthiness?

Image Via www.crushable.com

Beliebers Threatening Selena Gomez' Life...Again

Especially after them foot rub shots!

Beliebers have taken to the internet once again to voice their heartbreak about Justin Bieber and his lady love Selena Gomez and shit is getting ugly!

And these kids!  The mouths on 'em!  Disgusting!  I swear like a trucker with tits but I'm an adult - which means I can do whatever the eff I want!  Kids, not so much...but that isn't stopping the little buggers from trying to cock block on the internet...

They are gathering on Facebook pages and hating on her with comments like:

"SELENA IT'S BITCH!!!  go to hell please!!!  please broke up with Justin!!! or i'll kill u!!!"

"Selena should drown in the water! Maybe the water wouldn't even do that bcuz shes a cunthole!  Selena the sluthoe!!!!"

"Selena is STUPID AND A BIG SLUT!"

And what's with the writing?  Don't kids learn how to fucking spell and write in school anymore???  Good lord!

Anyways, with no end in sight for the hatefest (especially if Bieber keeps tweeting sexy pics of the two) let's just hope nothing bad happens...These fans are like the GD crips, man!  Gangsta...tween-style!

Image Via www.twitter.com

Forbes 100 Most Powerful Celebrities

Here's our Bungled and the Botched breakdown of the list:

Heading up the rear is Desperate Housewife Teri Hatcher at #99 being edged out by her hotter, cooler co-star Eva Longoria at #81.  My main man, Eminem comes in at #71 and JLo takes a place smack dab in the middle at #50.

Whiny Real Housewife Bethenny Frankel takes a surprising spot at #42 with stupid Glenn Beck being stupid in spot #30 (thankyouverymuch Republican nutbags).  The super sad and alone Jennifer Aniston may crack a desperate smile since she's at #21 on this meaningless list and Leo made a huge jump this year to #15.  Mrawr.

The top ten include *drumroll*:

10. Superstar jock LeBron James
9.   The smarmy Simon Cowell
8.   Bon Jovi!  Nice! 
7.   Taylor Swift but Beyonce still had one of the best videos of all time!
6.   Endorsement poison and general asshat Tiger Woods
5.   New daddy Elton John
4.   U2 - because it's the 90s again???
3.   The incomparable Justin Bieber and his hair are still dominating the world
2.   Queen of the sad women Oprah (who has finally been dethroned after years at the top)
1.   And the winner of nothing but being on a stupid list in a magazine is...everyone's favorite cokehead...Lady Gaga!!!

Dear America - it's shit like this that makes other countries hate you.

Image Via www.futexowa.comlu.com

Bieber Fever Over?

Say it ain't soooo!  Is the Bieber going the well-traveled way of so many dreamy young pop stars before him and disappearing into a pocket of mediocrity???

May fucking be!

When the young singer arrived in Hong Kong Sunday morning he was met with probably the fewest amount of pre-pubescent little girls ever!  With only seven getting off their asses to go see the arrival!  Seven little teeny boppers!?! 

Dude had clearly anticipated more of a mob scene because he came prepared with 21 bodyguards.  That's equals out to 3 per little pee-stained panty-wearing teeny bopper for those of you who know your mathematics.  Apparently, he was pretty POd at either the weak turnout and/or his lack of a substantial penis size.  Who knows?  I'm no psychiatrist.  But either way, fans are defending the Bieber with 15-year-old Ruth Boon told the Post that, "He didn't acknowledge us but that was probably because he saw more of the photographers."  She went on to allege that the light fan turnout was likely a result of it being a school day.  Hmmm.  So "Ruth" (who has the same name as most old biddies) doesn't think he was rude to the fans, yo!  No!  He was just rude to photogs...and it was a school day and nobody ever skips school, right?  Please!     

I have been through the shame of liking a trendy boy band in my day and they just don't ever make it, man.  Unless you count the Backstreet Boys...and trust me - I don't. 

Is it only a matter of time until Bieliebers become extinct?  Your move JB, make it a good one. 

Image Via www.m.ibtimes.com

Bieber Egg Hurler Found...Brought to Justice!

Good news everyone!  The nefarious egg chucking criminal who attacked JB at his Sydney concert has been arrested! 

Bieleber's had been on the hunt for the assailant and had blood on their Twitter-fried little minds but they can all rest easy now.

The 17-year-old who done the deed was charged with breaking and entering, trespassing and malicious damage (reports say he had broken into the arena to go to the show).

Shoot!  Arrested?  Should've given the kid a damn medal!

Image Via www.kingofpeople.com

Justin Bieber is in Trouble!!! We Have to Save Justin!!!

Girlies if you care anything about Justin Bieber you will get out your pretty pink piggy banks and buy a ticket to Liverpool ASAP!

Justin Bieber is holed up inside a hotel room there with a bunch of crazy tween bitches downstairs about to start a riot!  WTF?  That's so punk rock!

The cops have threatened that if JB or anyone on his team, yes Scooter I'm talking to you, goes anywhere near his balcony or windows he will be arrested for "inciting a riot". 

Lawdy, lawdy!!!  That's some crazy shit!  Stay tuned for updates...

UPDATE:  Justin was cleared to wave at his crowd of fans by the popo in hopes that the little ladies would pack up and leave after catching a glimpse at the young heartthrob but alas, when the phenom stepped onto his balcony and made a heart shape gesture with his hands it only induced more screaming and the crowd still refuses to leave.  Kids!  Shouldn't they be inside watching TV and getting obese or something?  Oh wait, he's across the pond...shouldn't they be swooning over that hotass ginger Prince then and trying to copy Kate's latest look?   

Image Via www.rap-up.com

Taylor Momsen Sluts it Up at Justin Bieber Premiere

Taylor "I want to dress like a hobag because I think it makes me look rebellious" Momsen showed up at the premiere of Justin Bieber's new movie looking like a giant slutpuppy fool, dressed in this.

Because that's just how she rolls, yo!

The underage jail bait said, "I am who I am, I dress the way I do even if I'm at a Justin Bieber premiere...it's cool; it's not for everyone."  She went on to say, "I designed this corset with a friend, it's custom."

Who's her friend???  Courtney effing Love?  Come on now!

I'm all about wearing whatever the Hell you want and everyone else can go screw themselves but to pretend to be all badass while attending a Bieber premiere is pretty stupid, no?  And it really shows her age, which doesn't make the outfit look provocative and rebellious, it just makes it look pathetic and phony.

Take a page from the Lohan playbook honey, you have to be at least 18 to ride that ride...and you also can't be seen attending Justin Bieber events...EPIC FAIL.

Image Via www.bieberpics.com

Barbara Walters Most Fascinating People are Especially Lame this Year

Babawawa knows what's interesting - that is if you're older than dirt and asking incompetent interns to let you know who they find fascinating.

The entire list hasn't been released but the names that have are:

Justin Bieber  - Pop singer and he who whips his hair and makes girls cry with gleeful delight
Jennifer Lopez - Entrepreneur and big-ass beauty - Is it 2001 again or what?
Sarah Palin - Former sheisty Governor of Alaska, Levi hater and comedic punchline
LeBron James - Basketball player and guy who pissed everyone off by choosing to play with the Miami Heat
Sandra Bullock - Oscar winning Actress, Jesse "dirtball" James ex-wife and foe to Nazi-loving Michelle "Bombshell" McGee
Kate Middleton - Fiance of Prince William (the less hot son of Charles and Di)
Betty White - Last Golden Girl alive and comedy genius
The Cast of Jersey Shore - Random dumbasses from Jersey who became rich and famous for getting hammered and banging chicks on reality TV

The final two are God knows who - I'm thinking Oprah and maybe a trainwreck celeb like Charlie "Teflon" Sheen, Lindsay or maybe stupid Lady Gaga (who will probably wear a dress made of orphans or something because she's so artistic - barf!).

Meh - judging by the list thus far I won't be watching.