I've been out of commish for a few months so Imma go ahead and give y'all a recap before I throw down any new posts. I call this...*drumroll*...Shit I Missed.
Holding for applause...
Part One - Stupid People Do Stupid Things
So Justin Bieber is like this close to being shipped back to Canada where he'll be sipping on some mad Tim Horton's because it's colder than Lindsay's film career up in this bitch. He's in hot water for a number of charges ranging from egging his neighbor's house (causing 20k in damage) to smacking a limo driver in Toronto. JB seems to be trying his best to be a bad boy alas all his wannabe thug act has yielded him is a stupid looking mug shot, an arrest record and a bunch of late night chuckles. Here's a tip JB - you can't be a badass is you've ever sang a song called Baby Baby Baby to a bunch of screaming tweens and/or came from Stratford which PS is like a breathtakingly scenic cultural wonderland of a town to grow up in. For realz, I grew up near there, they hold friggin' Shakespeare festivals there and shit.
Miley Cyrus still has low ass self esteem or something and is still insisting on trying to show everyone her lady bits. Though I do think she's one of the better singers out there (in shitty pop music that is) her talent is constantly obliterated by suggestive titty shots and naked wrecking ball rides. Poor Miley was possibly poised to follow in Adele and Pink's footsteps but instead has chosen the quick fame route - now she's less likely to have a lasting career but more likely to be spit out the bottom of the porn barrel by her 30s. Possible porn title...He Came in Me Like a Wrecking Ball. No one steal that! Patent pending, bitches.
Speaking of porn...
Part Two - Reality is Stranger than Fiction
In Teen Mom news...Apparently, Farrah Abraham is depressed. Aw! Muffin! This chick doesn't let too many opps to be in the spotlight pass her on by so when her "celebrity" started waning she started talking! First off, Farrah wants everyone to know she is not in porn...she has never made a porn...and she hates that industry. Um...YOU WERE IN A PORN! An anal porn! That's like supaporn! Nevertheless, it "disgusts her" that y'all think she was in a porn just because she was in a porn. Assholes. ;)
She's also opening up about her parents and childhood once again and says that she was abused growing up. The non-porn porn star is flying solo on Couples Therapy (I know that doesn't make sense) where she says that her parents (who I'll admit are no treat) called her a bitch and a whore when she was younger. Farrah claims that's why she doesn't know what real love is. In all honesty, she's a little too cuckoo machoo to snark on...I feel like this chick may have some brain pain issues so Imma lay off her for a bit. I hope she nabs some real help...off the television. Stay away, Dr. Drew!
Jenelle Evans is the only other Teen Mom people seem to like to know the 411 on. Well! This girl is a plethora of fuckery! If y'all are into the show, after three engagements, one quickie marriage, two or three miscarriages/abortions and umpteen arrests, Jenelle is back and is with that stupid mouthbreather Nathan now. She had been married to some idiot Courtland but all that poor 'Alnost Fanous' sumbitch got was a quick shout out in the beginning of the premiere and a jail stint for heroin (I'm assuming MTV didn't want to show yet another JE mantastrophe on the show.) In real time, JE and Nathan are pregnant and keeping it. But! In traditional Jenelle dramatics...They both have pending charges, Nathan is currently facing jail time for a DUI and neither have any legal custody of their previous children.
Awesome.
Part Three - Krumbling Kardashians
Once back in the day, when I was watching this idiot show on a Sunday (I like Lord Disick, what can I say?) PimpMama Kris likened her thirsty ass family to the Kennedys. THE KENNEDYS! Fucking Camelot and shit, yo! You ain't no Jackie O, bitch! At best you're Ethel and she kind of sucked.
I just threw some Ethel shade. Feels good to be back...
Anywho, that's the moment I knew it was over...that was the Beatles 'bigger than Jesus' moment, the opposite of the Snooki getting punched moment, the moment when the Real World's Dustin admitted he was gay for pay...
And it's all been down fucking hill since.
The 'unbreakable' *rolling eyes* Khloe and Lamar broke. She filed for divorce because he's on drugs blah blah blah cheating blah. They both hold blame. She was SO desperado! In one ep she called the place he was working and told them that her Lam Lam needed to eat his lunch on time or he'd get grumpy. Khloe wasn't a wife, she treated him like Kris treated Bruce, like a mean mommy...and no one wants to fuck mean mommy.
Now the following is ALLLLL allegedly....please place mental allegedlys in front of any sentence I write from now on.
Bruce Jenner is becoming a woman.
He grew his hair and nails long and also decreased the size of his adam's apple so he would look more feminine.
Bruce's sons Brody (Rawr!) and Brandon say that Kris is to blame because she messes with his head.
Kanye West likes fish sticks and Kim Kardashian can't read.
Fin.
Image Via www.abcnews.com
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