Here's What Went Down on the Series Finale of Desperate Housewives
Last night, one of my fave shows Desperate Housewives ended and it was just sad as all hell, yo!
I laughed, I cried, I took multiple bathroom breaks - it was hella looong too! - but the more I watched the more I didn't want it to end.
Alas, it did end - Wisteria Lane is just a memory now - a kick ass memory of soapy awesomeness that truly did involve the perfect storm of actors, writing and storytelling - but a memory nonetheless. So here's how it all ended...
SPOILER ALERT BITCHES!
The finale was two hours. The first hour was monopolized by Bree's ridiculous murder trial for killing the evil Alejandro (the stepfather that had abused Gaby when she was young.) Carlos is the one who actually cracked the pervert over the head with the life-ending blow but Bree had been nabbed for the murder after a shitload of circumstantial evidence kept finding it's way to the local cop shop.
Her lawyer, Scott Bakula (Quantum Leap, yo! Dooooope!) is in love with Bree and therefore is just as much into saving her fine ginger ass from the clink as she is. When the prosecution's trump card, that super sexy Aussie Ben, is called to the stand he refuses to answer any questions and heads to jail for contempt. ACK! Don't drop the soap, dude! Renee goes to visit him and tells him that she saw Bree all dirty, carrying a shovel and heading home at 3 am in the morning the date of the murder which is obvi SUPER incriminating. The crafty prosecutor hears this and lays down a fairly crappy ultimatum...NARC on Bree or your man gets deported!
NOOO! Not super sexy Aussie, Ben!
Renee takes the stand and basically blows Bree outta the water with her testimony. It was a pretty dick move (bros before hos and all that) and in my opinion she should've just moved to Australia with him...done and done!
So Quantum Leap is super-pissed that Bree got caught walking around covered in dirt and carrying a damn shovel late at night during the murder trial where she is being accused of killing and burying a man with a shovel late at night so he wants to know what the hell is going on on this fucking crazy street. He kisses the truth out of her and she tells him everything about what happened that fateful pedophile killing night. He, in turn, screws her over by unexpectedly putting Gaby back on the stand. His intentions are admirable but his execution sucked!
Gaby tells the jury that Alejandro was her stepfather and the courtroom lets go a dramatic collective gasp reminiscent of the OJ trial...it was a pretty big fucking deal that tied Gaby to the victim with a motive.
Anywho, Bree's all sorts of pissed off about this bullshit and she pretends to faint in the courtroom to get Gaby the hell outta there. It works and she then makes it damn clear that Quantum Leap ain't getting anywhere near her panties. Awww! No panties for you!
While the trial is going down Renee is preparing for her wedding to her hot Aussie, Mrs. McCluskey is sadly on her final days and Tom files divorce papers because he mistakenly thinks that Lynette is banging that funny gay guy, Lee.
When Tom goes to check on McCluskey and that sweetheart husband of hers, Roy tells him that he needs to get down with some YOLO and say everything he wants to say because you never know what may happen.
Cut back to the trial and Bree looks pretty screwed...the jury be throwing some mad shade at her ginger ass and everyone knows it! This prompts Carlos to come forward (even though Gaby wanted to sacrifice herself for him and say she killed Alejandro - awwww!) but when McCluskey hears them yakking about the murder at her home where they're taking care of her, she thinks Carlos coming forward may not be the best plan...(wait for it...wait for it...)
On Carlos' way to confess, Gaby gets all sneaky bitch and hides a switchblade in his jacket so he's stopped at the courthouse metal detectors and can't confess.
Haha! Classic Gaby!
Carlos' fine ass is taken into custody for his concealed weapon fuckery and back in the courtroom we see McCluskey has convinced Quantum Leap to let her take the stand.
McCluskey waxes friendship for a moment in a fairly saccharine and exponential way before she lets it rip!
She testifies that she saw Alejandro skulking around the neighborhood and that when she realized he was the evil pedophile who had mercilessly tortured one of her closest girlfriends she clocked him on the noggin with a candlestick. She even calls him a bastard! Niiiice!
Due to this gnarly turn of facts and events the prosecutor dismisses the case and decides not to press charges against McCluskey (probably because you will go straight to HELL if you put a dying old broad in jail.)
It was all pretty rad.
After chewing on what Roy told him about saying everything you want before it's to late, Tom confronts Lynette in the middle of the Lane (that's also some classic shit - remember Susan screaming Miiiike! and ripping around the Lane in a wedding dress - fucking EPIC!)
Tom tells her that she's the love of his life, they reunite and it's all good until...
That sassy lesbian bizzatch who got shot by Susan, Katherine Mayfair steps up! Oh Snap! Sassy lesbian bizzatch alert!
Katherine is back from France where she left her last trick and started a food company - a hugely successful food company that she wants Lynette to head from NY.
What will this do to Lynette's reconciliation with Tom??? (More on this shit later.)
Gaby nabs a sweet promotion at work and is made Head of VIP Sales (not too sure that's a real job) and Carlos is all about taking over mommy duties. Thing is, he's being ignored a la Carlos ignoring Gaby in season one. He hires a female John Rowland to get her ass all riled up and it works. She knows she can't treat him like doodoo but is pretty pissed he brought up her affair to make a point.
Cut to Renee's wedding. After popping up sporadically as a bridezilla bitch for the majority of her sad little storyline she is now in the spotlight for a brief moment! Her moment ends seconds later when she, Gaby, Susan and Julie are in the limo heading to her wedding and Julie's water breaks all over Renee's pretentious custom made wedding gown...Haha! How do you like them apples, bitch? Karma can really suck!
Wisely choosing to stop by Gaby's department store to get a new dress over going to the hospital to have a baby, Gaby and Renee rush into the store like a couple of bats outta designer hell and she gets her gown (not very nicely by the way!) but when the store clerk on duty pays no heed to Gaby's new management title they "have to" steal the dress - they thief that sucker and head out to their getaway limo. (I assume she got fired for this fuckery but they don't address that.)
Thing is, that idiot Susan had a rare stroke of genius and jacked the limo right out from under every one's noses. I always thought she was almost too stupid to breath! Go on, girl! The fuck were they doing shopping during a damn childbirth anyway!?! Women are so superficial these days!
Meanwhile, McCluskey (knowing that Bree really does want to be with Quantum Leap) rings him up and tells him about an old ass 45 record she wants as a dying wish. Quantum Leap is good shit so he goes to a crapload of record stores and finds it. Roy tells Bree about it and we see her head spinning with new possibilities of now letting Quantum Leap into her panties.
Renee and Gaby walk to the wedding - Renee is so pissed! lol - they are hours late and sweaty as hell. Everyone is there save for Julie and Susan and it goes off without a hitch.
While the matron of honor Lynette makes her speech at the reception she starts to get personal. Tom had argued that she thinks that the CEO job in NY will make her happy and that she's always unnecessarily looking for something else - something better. She admits during the speech that she does do that and says that she has found her happiness in her marriage she just hadn't realized it. They mouth I Love You to each other (barf) and enjoy a slow dance where he tells her that they could move to NY if she wanted to. Isn't that nice? Tommy boy just wanted her to admit it...LOVE TOM! He was on Melrose Place! That was my jam back in the day!
Anyways, their stupid kid Porter comes screeching in, tells them that Julie is in labor and the three of them dash to the hospital to meet the sixth baby to grace the Scavo family.
Quantum Leap walks into the wedding reception and Bree asks him if his motives were shady in getting the record for McCluskey. She admits that it's not that he put Gaby on the stand that's irking her, it's the fact that he knows about her being a murdering whore and still wants to be with her that freaks her the fuck out. I totally get that! But he loves her even though she's a thug in a cocktail dress and they reunite.
Mrs. McCluskey is the heart of the episode and passes away during the wedding listening to the record that Quantum Leap found for her from childhood. Bree rushes from the wedding to her home where Roy is beside her. He kissed his wife one last time on the forehead and then I cried like a damn fool for an old lady who died on TV. I really DID bawl lol - shit was saaaad!
Come to think of it, the only thing sadder than McCluskey dying was the fact that the writers felt the need to culminate every damn thing into a wedding super-climax of soapy proportions...they could have spaced this shit out a bit. Slow mo montages are lame with a capital suck.
After Julie's baby girl comes and Susan finally tells everyone she is leaving Wisteria Lane, they all join for a final poker game. Though they say that they want to keep in touch it isn't meant to be...
Flash forward >
Bree and Quantum Leap get married and spend the rest of their years lost in time, temporarily taking the place of other people to "make things right". Nah, just kidding...but I was a HUGE fan of Quantum Leap! They get married and move to Kentucky where Bree wins a seat in the Kentucky state legislature. You know, because it's so easy for someone whose murder trial was on the front page of the newspaper to get into office.
Gaby, Carlos and their family hit it big with her personal shopping career. She starts a website with his help that eventually turns into her own HSN show. They move to California, buy a mansion and "argue happily ever after."
Lynette and Tom go to NYC for the CEO position and buy a penthouse overlooking Central Park. In the years to come she would have "six grandchildren to yell at" there.
Susan, MJ and Julie are packing up the car to head back to New Jersey so Julie can go back to medical school while Susan helps with her new granddaughter. (You can see series creator Marc Cherry pull a Hitchcock here as one of the moving men.) While they are leaving, the woman who bought Susan's house is coming up the walkway to move in. Susan greets her and assures her that the 'burbs are anything but boring.
We see her walk into the home and hide a box in a cupboard, suspiciously and very non-subtly referencing that even though our favorite ladies of the lane are gone, some things never change. It was a little on the head for me, but though I expected it a little, I didn't hate the cyclical implication.
Susan takes one last drive down the Lane and we see the ghosts of all who have died on what is apparently the most dangerous street to live on in the world (besides my fave Edie - she pissed Marc Cherry off something good with that lawsuit!) and all the while Mary Alice makes one last voice over from her TV grave...
"As Susan left her driveway, she had a feeling she was being watched and she was. The ghosts of people who had part of Wisteria Lane were gazing upon her as she passed. They watched her as they watched everyone always hoping the living could learn to put away rage and sorrow, bitterness and regret. These ghosts watch wanting people to remember that even the most desperate life is oh...so wonderful."
Goodbye ladies. We will miss you.
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