Jersey Shore Season 4 Premiere Re-Cap - Idiots Invade Italy

Let's do this shit...

So the gang headed to Italy for season four and look the fuck out - these assholes are armed with bigger boobs, smaller waistlines and new...beards???

Seriously, WTF was Vincenzo's puberty stache he was tryin' to pretend to have???  Can he see a beard?  Did you guys see a beard?  All I saw was a dirty chin...OH!  Shiz, maybe there was a beard!

Anyways, aside from Vin's puberty stache, a couple of the others are sporting some new looks.  Other Snooki (Deena) looks a little less disgusting in general so good for her, make-up does wonders - Ronnie doesn't look like a coked out ape, his ex-woman (grunt) Sammi seems to have filled up her tittays with some JWoww juice and the Situation is doing his best impression of an old leather bag.

Snooki doesn't look like she just ate JWoww anymore in a late night snack sesh and speaking of resident hottie JWoww, is it just me or did she return to the crazy lookin' like she lost a GD ton of weight???  Roger that!

Act one centers around the gang getting their crap togetha for the trip and having pictures taken for their passports.  Snooki spouts some dumb shit about Italy being "...that big country. No, Europe is that big country...You have Britain in there. And England. And Italy."  Good little dumbass!  Vin is worried no one is going to recognize him with his dirty chin beard, Sitch tells his barber that he would "hit that" if it's true the Snookster lost weight (classy!), JWoww is still with her trainer beau Roger, single Ron (thank god) is back and supposedly "fun" now and Sammi says she's not going to be a little bitch and cry all the time.  Yeah right...

They take all their leopard print Ed Hardy shit (and Crocadilly) to Italy and arrive at their pimp pad or slut palace if you will within flights of each other only to realize that HOLY SHIT! there are TWO flights of stairs!  TWO FLIGHTS!!!  Do you guys know how hard it is to climb up two flights of stairs with a drink in your hand while trying to smoosh???  I've never done it but I bet it's some pretty tricky shit!  After the initial shock of the stairs they check out the digs and surroundings.

The guys head to get on their G and meet the "Italian Mr. Miyagi" and the girls lose their shit over a "FERRIS WHEEL!!!" that is actually a carousel lol...so dumb.

When they get home, Mike drops the GD bomb of the decade on Ron saying he and Snooks hooked up when she was with her new greaseball.  Snooki cheated!?!?  With the Situation!?!?  This reeks of scripting but hey, I'll play along...and he also reveals that now that Snooks is skinny and less repulsive he thinks he likes her!  Please!

Now let's get to the booze and the bitches!  Hittin' the club, Sitch insists that it's "bumpin'" though I don't see any fucking people.  They all use Vinny as a translator because not one of them has enough brain power to study up on Italian before the trip and he tries to help a few of the boyz get their bang on with some DTF chicks but sadly, no deal.

So, what's a horny Guido to do???  Make out with Snooki and Other Snooki, of course!

Mike takes a shot at Snooks by getting all Euro-trash and kissing her face uncomfortably - way to look like a creepy date rapist buddy!  Snooki takes the face-kissing assault even though I probably would've opted for a good hoof to the peen and Other Snooki decides to make out with Pauly D - cue the tongues!  And BTW Pauly - you're better than that, dude!  You're on tour with Britney goddamn Spears, man!  BRITNEY!!!  Act like it!

They end with a season 4 trailer that gave Other Snooki a shitload of face time and played out a violent Sitch v. Ron storyline that seems to have something to do with Mike being a nosy bitch (which he totally is.)

Mamma Mia!  If Angelina would've showed up the goat rodeo would've hit a bombastic high but - sigh - no Angelina - she's not only burned the bridges back to fame, bitch has destroyed 'em. 

Image Via www.thedailybeast.com