Jessica Simpson - Nekkid and Knocked Up in Elle Magazine

Jessica Simpson has been pregnant for eva!!!  Are we sure that it's not that emo-marrying, less-talented sister of hers Asslee in there???  Anyone seen her around?  And where the hell is little Bronx?!?!  Now that I think of it I haven't seen that kid in years!!!


Conspiracies aside, she sure does look super-preggers in her new shoot for Elle Magazine...Her bump is no joke!  Let's take a looky look and judge her for a few shallow chuckles shall we?

This is her and her new Dick LeGay, Eric Johnson - you see, he loves her belly so much because he sperminated it so that he would never have to work another day in his life.  His eyes are closed because he is thinking about all the shitty Ducatis the billion dollars she made in the last decade could buy him...he's also praying to the god of K-Fed that he can squeeze the same amount of spousal support out of her when they split.

Now here's J Simp thinking about if she should pose buck or not on the cover of a national magazine...on the one hand she's all I'm rich, bitches!  I don't need to show my cash cows for bank anymore!  On the other hand she's thinking, Oh, I get it!!!  Chicken OF the sea.  I get stuff.
Ta-Da!  There's the money shot!  I saved it for last because of a little something called showmanship, my friends.  I ain't playin'.

Simpson looks pretty good for a fat chick.  (Sorry, I'm not one of those people who thinks it's super sexy to be knocked up.  Please!  Guys are such liars.)  She announced in the magazine that she's having a girl and she says they have the name picked out but are keeping it more private than they're keeping her side boob.

"It's nothing shocking and nothing you'll have to add to the dictionary.  Still, when people hear it, they'll know ...why," she said.

I'm willing to bet my ENTIRE VHS collection and a slightly used ferret cage (RIP Mr. Noodles!  We loved YOU!) that she names the kid Chanel or something fashiony.  LAME.

Oh and a small message from me to Jessica - Put your boobs away woman, we're working towards being a more empowered sex, dude.  Get the memo.  

Images Via www.toofab.com  

No comments:

Post a Comment