Real Housewives of OC - Season 6 Finale Recap

Welcome to the OC, bitch!

We start off with Vicki...oh, Vicki!  What happened to Vicki???  Well, first off her ass bleeding has subsided which is good but what isn't good is that after getting out of the hospital she called her lawyer to serve Donn divorce papers.  Ouch!  Vicki doesn't do shit half-ass people!  Her ass bleeds and she files for divorce!  Booyah!  Suck it!

In this scene Vick reveals Donn ain't talking to her anymore and has cut off all communication since the papers were filed.  I'm surprised she even noticed because Vicki works! Vicki has a job!  Vicki has to work 25-8 and everyone else can either orbit around her bleach blond ass or go scratch.  Did I mention Vicki works?   She has a Job!

Bye Donn - you ruled!

Cut to Tamra and her man candy lawyer boy Eddie...they're getting out their best catfighting clothes to go have a smackdown with Jeana Keough at the obligatory end of the year gathering.  Jeana has been talking shit about Tamra in the press and pissing her off...and boy is she pissed off!  She told them that Tamra hit Simon instead of vice versa because she is clearly sleeping with Simon can't talk to the press due to a gag order of some sort.

We then go to Gretchen and Tubba Wubba in bed eating Lasagna.  What's this???  Gretchen has been giving Slade crap about him being a fatass all season but she feeds him carbs in bed?  Such an asshole.  Anyways, she brings up that jerkoff move of hers to bash ass bleeder Vicki when her ass was bleeding and says she was upset because of the ladies not being there for her fake fiance Jeff when he was in the hospital so she projected that onto blasting Vicki and her ass bleeding.  Dude!  Not cool!  Ass bleeding!

Now we head on over to Jesus Barbie's newest McMansion...

Here Alexis' token gay is helping her pick out one of her super slutty dresses to wear to the s-ho-wdown.  And BTW I don't know who the hell told these bitches that it is okay to wear satin prom dresses everywhere they go but whoever it is should be shot!  But I digress...she decides on a slutty orange one over the slutty blue one and with a tiny cameo from Taliban Jim Bellino and a few digs at the other gals for getting divorces - they're off.  Actually before they're off, Jesus Barbie sticks her foot in her mouth a few times quoting her stupid Bible nonsense.  Apparently, she's made from Jim's rib - whatever.  I always find it's best to hit mute when you see Alexis take the screen anyway, that's a quality tip.

Now we're back to Tamra and Eddie Spagheddi...in the limo ride to the party Tamra shows sexy Eddie a letter from her lawyer she's going to give to Jeana to "shut the bitch down" - dude, if you hired a lawyer to write the shit up get him to serve it up too!  It would've saved some peeps some cash on drycleaning later...and if I know my Housewives these hos are not as cash rich as they would have the public think - all show and no go.  Anyways, Eddie boy tells her to stay cool.  He's not just succinct!  He's Sexcinct!  See what I did there? 

So, now the party, let the games begin!

Not since naked-wasted-gate has an OC Housewives ep come to such an exquisite shitstorm of reality beauty.  This shindig starts off all right but goes sooo wrong!  Tip to ass bleeding Vick, next time try to not invite mortal enemies to the same party...might turn out better.  Oh and PS - Quinn Fry is there lookin' a damn fool wearing that piece of shit Roxy wig she used to ho it up with that prick Billy in Vegas season 3 - what the heck is that about??? 

Anyways, first enemies up to bat are former partners in augmented crime, Alexis "Jesus Barbie" Bellino and Peggy "New Girl" Tanous.  Ding, ding, ding!  Though Peggy starts the argument, Alexis is the one who completely fucking snaps like that busty Teen Mom used to snap on that fat bastard Gary!  Methinks Lex is still a little pissed about Peggy banging Jim back in the day.  Never got over that, never will.   

They fight about lip injections and who has the biggest fake tittays or something (hard to make sense of it when they yell like they're on Jerry Springer) and after exchanging some jabs Alexis floats away on a cloud of ignorance and denial...praise Jesus (Barbie), Hallelujah!  They're all effin' crazy if you ask me!  That was nothing though...

Now for the main event!  Jeana and Tamra come head to head finally and Jeana tells her that the press twisted her words.  Blame it on the editing, right?  Now try to keep up here...

Tamra, practically foaming at the mouth, starts screaming and swearing like a damn redneck because Jeana is all up in her Kool Aid and Jeana goes all sarcastic pushing her over the edge!  She throws the "insist and decease" letter (LOL - friggin' Housewife language!) right in Jeana's face!  Oh snap!

Jeana, in turn, tells Tamra she'll throw her skinny ass in the pool and Tamra takes that as her cue to throw her Skinnygirl margarita in Jeana's fat, nosy face!  ACK!  Bad day for Jeana's face!  Jeana, not being able to see because her retinas are swimming in booze, haphazardly chucks her drink but by then Tamra is gone and she hits some random trashy chick in a cleavage-heavy blue prom dress instead.  So what's a random trashy chick to do?  Why, push the bitch of course!

After Jeana gets shoved (pretty hard BTW) her token gay throws ANOTHER drink on random trashy chick...What the eff?  I feel bad for this innocent bystander and her "$1500" dress!  She didn't
do anything!!!  Collateral damage in a Housewife dimension...  

Jeana takes off in a flurry of "fuck yous" and "no one likes you" reminiscent of my grade school days and Tamra follows her to the driveway.  They shout profanities at each other for a minute and Jeana's gay (the guy who threw a drink at bystander trashy chick) throws a wine glass onto the driveway shattering it into a million pieces just like Vicki shattered Donn's beautiful broken heart!  Jeana goes home (where she belongs) and calls Simon crying.  Who does that???  Man, some people should've been swallowed by their mothers!

Tamra tells everyone who missed the action that Jeana was attacking her first which isn't true but whatevs, I'm Team Tamra so let's just go with it, and Gretchen jumps in and points out that that's how Tamra treated her so she should recognize, yo!  Sooo not the time, dumbass!  But Gretchen, though a tool, isn't the sharpest one in the shed...They both agree to move on for the fiftieth fucking time but cut to Gretch in interview and she says the opposite.  She's such a fucktard!  GET OVER IT!!!  PS - check out www.thedirty.com Gretchen Rossi Scam pages for some GOOD dirt on this ho!

Now for the title cards...

Gretchen was recently spotted trying on wedding gowns.  She left without buying...or leasing one.  Friggin' Bravo -tricky, tricky...

Tamra introduced Eddie to her younger kids, and her divorce is almost final - thank god for that!  Can you say toxic???

Briana moved back in with her spinster mother and still talks to Donn.  Awww!  I LOVE DONN!  Vicki's divorce proceedings continue and her mega mansion is up for sale for $2,695,000.

Alexis' card mentioned the Jim dating Peggy thing but alleges that she insists they are not in competition and Peggy continues to live a healthy lifestyle avoiding prescription drugs, junk food and...Alexis.

The reunion rumors are already running rampant with news that Donn will Skype in to bash Vicki, Jeana will show up and cry and Andy will wet his pants like a little girl while watching the whole shebang go down...Also, the ever classy deadbeat dad Slade will be on the couch! 

Image Via www.suite101.com