Duh! Big effin shocker this one is!
After months of being "indecisive" and using the upcoming presidential election as his own personal media blitz, The Donald and his hair have decided not to run for President of the United States. He announced today that "After considerable deliberation and reflection, I have decided not to pursue the office of the Presidency. This decision does not come easily or without regret; especially when my potential candidacy continues to be validated by ranking at the top of the Republican contenders in polls across the country. I maintain the strong conviction that if I were to run, I would be able to win the primary and ultimately, the general election. I have spent the past several months unofficially campaigning and recognize that running for public office cannot be done half heartedly. Ultimately, however, business is my greatest passion and I am not ready to leave the private sector."
Translation: I am a big stupid douchebag who thought that if I ran as a Republican I could get voted in because I'm famous and then I could let my beautiful foreign wife Melania move into the White House and decorate it with gold leaf and all that other pretentious garbage rich people decorate with. I also thought that as President it meant I got free blowjobs for life (a la Clinton and Kennedy) but that appears to be somewhat misleading. Therefore I will continue to rule the business world with my ferocious comb-over as well as continue to exploit stars like Gary Busey for my own ratings gold.
Well, God bless America, eh?
Image Via www.businessinsider.com
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